Ah These Lessons

I'll never forget all those conversations and the things you have taught me.  That has changed me for the better.  I somehow anticipated things where vastly beyond ordinary with you and some how I had gained a great friend and we would remain.  But I presume that I was vastly wrong in my thinking somewhere along the road.  There are moments when I'm like "Oh how I would like to share this or that" but I know that it's no longer.  Seas and tides change.  That's life.  I'm okay with that.  Because I'll never forget those moments of evolution and the things I've learned, along the way.  People come and go in our lives for a reason I believe.  Everything is one giant learning lesson.  It takes a lot of love to not give up.  I refuse to be negative or ill thinking of anyone.  All I can hope for is your happiness in life, as I'm paving my own.

Things that make you really wonder

Sometimes you gotta wonder if things you ever did in the past ever really mattered or made a difference. And do they still have any lasting effect on any of us? Are people still bitter? Did any of it matter? The left over gift's do they still tell a story? Or are they all lost at sea? It seems that way.  Life seems that way. But every once in a while something takes you back to those memories and makes you really wonder.

It all comes down to this.... Well part of it...

It's finally here.  It's all come down to this test tomorrow.  I must go to Griffis Park at 200pm to take my CompTIA Networking + exam.  80 questions pulled from a pool of 600 and two simulation questions. I feel sick to my stomach to be honest. I feel terrorfied.  This isn't college.  This is real life exam.  Where's the wine??? To go into vast depth of my past and why it means so much would be a pain in my ass.  I've worked so hard to get myself here. Now I'm here.  Now if I don't pass this exam what will this mean to my self worth?  I can't see the option of failing but I cannot predict what lies ahead.  Only that I know I want it so badly and I know I've tried and done my best.  I guess worst case.  I take it over again.  That would be a low blow to my ego considering my past.  Everyone has such high and hopeful expectations of myself and my brain feels like a necular power plant about to burst.  I'm not sure I see what they see... Or maybe I don't want to set my myself up. My fault lies in my frailty that I try to block it all out and be a mute with emotions.  Bahahaha..... Ya huh.

Look At The Stars

This is something I firmly believe in.  I resort to this whenever possible, sometimes even when there is some cloud cover.  All ciaos and noise can be swept away staring up at the big milky starry sky whilst listening to your favorite tunes.  Generally I prefer something climatic, something like Debussy, Mozart, Beethoven, or even something like Murray Gold.  You can just lose all your senses and release what ever bad waves are throw at you and you feel renewed.  Not a whole lot knocks me down, I don’t like negative energy, it wastes too much valuable time but every once in a while we all need to mend it and this is one greatest methods.

Headphones starry night listen.

Headphones starry night listen.
INGRID MICHAELSON -- "Breakable"

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Everyone has insecurities, I'm just going to really try and free mine.

I don't especially care to openly say this but I guess if you where in my life or had know me you would of seen me so what difference does it really all make.  None.  I recently was thinking about what I was doing with my weight loss journey thus far and now what I was trying to prove.  4 years ago I was at an all time over weight for myself and royally unhappy.  Two years ago still over weight but trimmed down somewhat but not thrilled.   I remember my dear friend ordering one of my favorite tee shirts for me.  The Nikon shirt. They asked what size I wanted and I felt so terrible about it.  One shouldn't buy clothes larger than they are to try and conceal themselves it doesn't help. That's what I did.  Now as I pull my favorite tee over my head its more like I'm swimming in it.  Which brings me to what Sheldon states "Is your weight somehow tied into your self worth?"  Well it's quite the logical statement do I agree now with this statement only because I have lost the weight or because I have grown and realized that it's not everything.
Now I'm at a point where I'm okay with with myself but I'm possessed to do MORE.

What's this more that I need?  I said to myself I want to wear a two piece bathing suit for our little CNT reunion coming up in a few months.  So I thought to train harder, start going tanning and pick out a 2 piece.  Then I said, Why?  Am I doing it because I am still unhappy with the way I look?  Or I want to be more physically fit?  What am I ultimately trying to prove?  Who am I trying to prove it too?  Haven't I already proven to myself.  I'm just going to let go.  I'm going to remain physically active but lately I've been over the top for purposes of a black void.  I ultimately believe and that's never been myself.  So I'll wear my 2 piece or 1 or whatever and be my pale self and accept.  I've come thus far.  Tyler Durden, fictional or not, says you are not a beautiful unique snowflake, but I think I am.  So,
I said it once, I'll say it again...The technology, the shoes, the designer labels, the lip gloss, the added accessories, the money are all my empty happiness.

I feel I conquered this mountain hole, but I'm going to do it for me, not on a theory of something I feel I should look like (which in all fairness is clouded by everyone's judgement).  Everyone has insecurities, I'm just going to really try and free mine.

"Edge Of The Ocean" --IVY ( One of My Happy Places)

                                                                                   

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

How I Acquired my First NES

I got to reminiscing about old video games and how I came about owning my very first Nintendo.  I wanted one very badly but rules were that I must earn it before just getting it forked over to me.  How it came about was I remember being shy and hating going to religion class and not wanting to go.  The catholic church we went to was a mass that done in English and part in Arabic.  I remember thinking why would God want to hear the same rhetorical things every Sunday.  I think that might of gotten me shunned a little from the others.  So I had questions.  Some religion class.  I didn't want to go any longer.  But my parents wanted me to finish.  My parents presented if I went and finished and made my first communion I would get a Nintendo.  Such bribery.  So like any kid I said I would have to think about this.  I really had to weigh my options here.  I could not go and have nothing to show for it or have a Nintendo and the only person on my street to have one.  As if my parents didn't know what I would do.  I caved.  I wanted that Nintendo.  So I went to Sunday school and did my Hail Mary's and Our Father's and put on the lame little dress and put on the show on. Of course there was a family event afterwards of such accomplishments.  Let me tell you I couldn't wait till everyone was gone so I could get my hands on trying out the Nintendo for the first time.

After that I was never forced again to go to church or Sunday school and my parents where very open to what ever beliefs I would choose later in life and openly showed me other avenues.  Maybe my parents weren't overly concerned with making sure I had religion in my life.  Maybe they where just trying to instill that I follow through with something rather tossing it to the side and getting over the shyness.  Even though I got a Nintendo out of it.

Reflections on Woodstock 99

I can't help but always remember this insane capsule in time.  I'm always asked the same question.  "Was it all worth it?"  My answer is still yes.  I had just turned 19.

I remember the set list being released, and thinking yes indeed it very well could be the end of time if did not make it to the greatest concert to exist that was literally 15 miles from my very home.  I couldn't fathom that the bands I cranked the stereo up to and was repeatedly told to lower that crap down was going to be around the corner from home.  I remember vividly trying to convince my parents to let me see what I thought I lived for.  Rage Against the Machine (my voice for my distaste in political power was coming to crap Rome, NY) I remember my dad shaking his head as if it didn't mattered, did he not understand! Why they would ever come to this hole was beyond my capacity!  Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Offspring, Bush, Metallica, Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers and The Counting Crows.  I insisted on this being a once in a life time event for me to see all my favorite bands all in the same place.  I tried to sell it to them that all my friends are going even both my cousins and the close people I grew up with along with my current boyfriend at the time would all be together.  My sales pitch was a total flop.  My parents didn't want me to go they felt it was unsafe.  I remember the fit I had and not wanting to be around anyone due to being so crushed while that's all everyone was doing was busy buying their tickets and making the big plans and I was being left behind.

So like a stubborn teenager I presented my case to the hardest person to win over.  I pulled the grandfather card.  Which oddly enough was the easiest case to win over.  He already knew that both my cousin's where going and he felt it was only fair that I should go and gave me the money to go.  Let's just say my dad was not pleased at all and that was the last time to pull the gramps card.  Also, the new stipulation for allowing me to go was if I came back home harmed in anyway "Hell was to be paid and I was grounded for life and something like they where not going to deal with it"  Of course in my overly excited mind I'm agreeing to anything at this point..."yea, yea, yea, sure, sure, sure!"  I had yet another obstacle to tackle.  Work!  Because it was so close to the concert date, I had to get the time off from the movie theater.  My boss agreed to me having the days off as long as I showed up for work on July 26th.  Yea, yea, yea, sure!  Score!

I remember arriving there and already vowing not to use the facilities.  Not pretty.  Which I didn't the whole time we were there.  We ended up staying at a friends house around the corner from the base so I would wait till we got there after we had seen all the shows.  The temperatures for the weekend on the base remained in the upper 100's.  They sold bottled water at $8.00 a bottle.  I remember the sun burn I had was almost a purple red.  I hardly drank or ate, who had time for all that.  Clearly young and not thinking.  I was busy running into friends from college on the East side stage before Rage Against the Machine started.  Nothing but an epic time.  Partying up, rocking out like an all-star.
Until the last night and they started the fires and men with riot gear came in and I remember genuinely being scared and thankfully not without much difficulty able to leave.

At this point on July 26th I've kept my part of the bargain and showed up at work and I'm a disaster. I can barely move and I'm having muscle spasms and can barley hold myself up.  My boss unbeknownst to me called my mother to come get me and told me I need to go home and go to the hospital and yes I still had a job.  My thoughts are my father is going to kill me.  My mom takes me to the ER,  she is not happy to say the least and I am told I have suffered severe dehydration.  I was pumped the equivalent of 12 liters of fluids.  My father would not speak to me for two weeks due to my stunt maneuver and lesson learnt.

Dad hated Rage Against the Machine then now I hear him listening to it every now and then and I find it so odd when he used to bang on the bedroom door and yell to turn that junk off.  We have conversations every once in a while over the old Woodstock 99 move and he always asks "Would you still do it all over again, was it worth it?"  I can't help but still say yes.  It was my 19 year old self.  As I watch the footage in retrospect and can imagine what was going through my parents mind as they where indeed probably watching it on pay per view and or on MTV I can relate to my father and mothers disdain for not wanting me to go and why my father was so mad.  Thankfully, my 19 year old self had some common sense and didn't go up to the front of the stage as much as I wanted to and hung out by the MTV cam tower where indeed it was much safer and still got plenty of good views.
My 19 year old self would say something stupid back then like..."I did it all for the nookie"
Some favorites from my 19 year old self.
Nookie (Live @ Woodstock) FULL VERSION

Rage Against The Machine - Bulls On Parade (Live Woodstock 1

Korn - Got The Life - Live Woodstock 1999

Bush - Swallowed - Live Woodstock '99

Metallica Nothing Else Matters Woodstock 1999

Plan of action.....Unknown....

Perspective is a good place.  Sometimes blind faith leads us.  To what I can not say.  The heart over rules logical sense and we are left to clean up the mess we've created.  I pride myself on use of logical sense.  Or my own logical sense.  As if it's a super power the human race is lacking.  I'm having that weak moment of the heart.  Such conflict.  Such rare occurrences.  I find myself humbled by it.  Still.  I find it some how irrelevant.  Playing with emotions.  I loathe how consumed my thoughts have betrayed me.  False, delusions and black holes.  Consumed and unaware of the surroundings of such nothingness.  Time feels like super slow motion.  Yet I remain busy.  What am I purpose to do, be doing?  Don't answer that; I mean you can't answer that any way.  I've been trying to answer this most of my adult life.  Riddled with ambitions, exploration, desires and fears.  What is the key?  I have these things I want to do but am fearful.  I don't like being afraid because that reminds me of being anxious and that to me is not being in the present.
Plan of action.....Unknown....
Disengage from this thought process to commence....immediately....
Till plan becomes known.  If ever.  More clear.  Or never.  Whatever.

Memories Lost?

I was writing in my journal and realized I had a knack of erasing things from my past.  People, events, from my past, as if they never happened.  As if I never look back.  I never do.  I never recall and when I attempt, I honestly can not recall.  When I let go, I've let go and never turn back.  I've even done so with people on a moving forward basis.  A cleansing of the soul of disassociation's. 

I then started to question, is this poor memory?  Or is this an emotional wall, resistance is futile scenario.   I tried to recall things I had no desire of ever reliving but alas they are my past, it is my history.  But I could barely recall, and what I did was only few recollections of not good highlights. Am I that resentful of my own past that there is only now?  With only selective memories?  Is this true of all?  I wonder?  I had some great fond memories.  Where did they go??? But I find that disassociation of that fondness helps in order to move on and forward and no looking back.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm cold as stone but I know that isn't true.  Could I seriously be this blind?  Or maybe this is the greatest mechanism there is?  Hence, my ability to assess the situation cope and deal and move forward and deal and fix any situation and or let go?  OR my greatest downfall?  Is it that bad to not have memories to recall?  Or to have?  It has been driving me mad.  A close friend recently said to me "How can you seriously not remember that?"  I told her if she hadn't reminded me it was if it never existed, I just moved on.  She was blown away.  I guess I'm semi thankful for my backup hard drive friends who do recollect these select memories of my own life I've chosen to erase.

For the very last time?????

This is to the ones I am thankful for the friendships I have where even though we do not talk every day, see each other often, or even cancel plans we never get upset at each other.  Those I value most, I find those are the most accepting of who we actually are and we pick up right where we left off.  I call that maturity and acceptance, instead of self sacrificing who we really are.

Moving on to family across all boards.  Please don't be petty and make this solely about yourselves.  I love family but for as long as I can remember everyone under the sun loves to tell me everything and vent to me.  Maybe it's because I've been the overly compassionate one that always finds the good in people.  I'm truly flattered that you feel that comfortable with me and or you think I'm going to be the mediator for God knows how many years worth of things that has little to do with me but your telling the wrong person except for the one place or person it needs to go.  Out of purest respect for immediate family I tolerate it and they know my limitations.  I'd love nothing more for you all to get it fixed just leave me out.  I just don't know how many times you can possibly convey it and translate it in different ways that:
A)  Not my problem;  it's 33+ years worth of problems that I will never solve, well before my birth
B)  I am my OWN person, I do not participate nor do I care to hear about it in any aspects.  I don't even tolerate this type of drama in the outside world.
C)  No I'm not going to deliver any messages for any parties involved.  Hence my peaceful co-existence with all parties.
Your wasting my precious time every time you bring it up. None of you are willing to reconcile what has already happened so why are you wasting my time?  Your not going to get instantaneous results. Your options are talk about it till your blue in the face and let it all out (not to me), clean the air and work it all out and or clean slate it and move on and never bring it up again and really move on.
That being said I love you.


Muse Panic Station

You won't get much closer
Until you sacrifice it all (-all)
You won't get to taste it
With your face against the wall (-wall, wall)

Get up and commit
Show the power trapped within (-in, in)
Do just what you want to
Now stand up and begin (uh)

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Doubts will try to break you
Unleash your heart and soul (-soul)
Trouble will surround you
Start taking some control (-'trol)

Stand up and deliver
Your wildest fantasy (-'sy, 'sy)
Do what the fuck you want to
There's no one to appe-e-ease

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
And I know that you will fight for the duration
Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And you know I'm not resisting your temptations
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Parachutes

I used to have this problem you see...
I used to have this sense of avoidance of certain things that would take me back to a place I just had no desire of reflecting back on.  Lived and learned.  No resentment.  Just something I felt what's done is done, the past can not be rewritten and I have no use for it in this time and place.  To the point, the avoidance factor was some simple things that would sting and would ignite old emotions that would bring me back to that space time continuum.  One of which a song.  I avoided it because I already lived it.  I'm not looking to go back to dwell on negativity or be reminded.  So in my normal routine, apparently the cloud felt the need to re-download the song while I was doing my cleaning, dance party, yes its hilarious, unfazed while it played and I rocked out to it and no old memories came back.
I stopped at the end and realized what just happened gazed around foolishly as if someone was looking at me.  Did this just happen?  So just to be sure I played it a few more times to make sure it wasn't false trickery.  No old memories, So I continued my dance party and rocked out like I owned it.  I now feel the song has an entirely new meaning than it once had.
Take that iTunes.

My Rebellion

Paul Van Dyk - Homage

To all my love sick readers or non,
I typically do this once a year.  My little rebellion against Valentines day.  It's just another day, stop setting expectations that won't or can't always be met.  I refuse to participate even if I had someone to participate with based on the soul facet I refuse to follow our culture in this nonsense behavior.  No, I am not jealous I think romance should continue to exist instead of celebrating it with the herd of people forcing it to happen (based on my relationship and its foundation realistically), which I see typically leads to some sort of misery by the end of the day for some or most.  I tend to hear more complaints about this day due to over expectations time and time again and I constantly keep reinforcing why do you keep setting these over the top Hollywood exceptions on either sides of the spectrum.  It's obviously their relationship and perhaps they are often to close to the fence to see, so why don't they base this day off of their own relationships foundation they built around themselves instead of these false illusions.  MIND BLOWN.
So I just listen.......
In any case... I hate it for its money making agenda, and its cruelty on the mind and of the people who have to endure hearing about it afterwards.
Who wants to be my non valentine?
And to the people who are perfectly content as they are please resume your love sick day.
Find some homage.

Cramping My Style

The obnoxious cold and constant cloud cover is cramping my style.  (that being said, listening to my  headphones, melting under the milky way)  So I'm forced to come up with creative alternate avenues.   I thought about sitting in my warm car looking out the sun roof but that isn't the same (since there seems to be a constant void of nothing above me).  So instead I meditate, listen in doors, exercise or find other release outlets.  I like my old routine better though, I like the subtle reminder of how insignificant we really all are.  It brings pain and perspective and yet I feel more alive when it happens.  I guess it could be considered a little masochistic.  We all have our venting, escape release.  So when I feel that the weight of the world has tapped me on the shoulder,(which it has recently) I like to escape on the grass and grab the headphones and escape listening to my pain bleed out in an orchestra  and stare up into that big huge universe.  As the music wells up inside my soul and pounds in my chest its like a reset button, sometimes there are tears, sometimes I create and write, and of course it's also just the simple reminder that I'm just a small blip on the radar of the massive planet.  Oh and did I mention the simple pleasures in life of just being?  < Sometimes even for myself I feel like a load of crap.  Just saying.  That's probably the world tapping on my shoulder again and me trying to convince myself otherwise.
How's it working out?

Itzhak Perlman Mozart Adagio for Violin and Orchestra

I saw this on Susan Cain's Facebook this morning and enjoyed it very much and felt it was worth the share.  Enjoy.
Good Life Project

My Efforts to Equilibrium

In a very short period of time, I was able to change key things in my life.  I keep seeking for that sense of equilibrium.  Being unemployed has it's challenges, but it has shed some wealth of knowledge upon me.  For example for one I gave up cursing.  It's odd how this starts,  it appears I think socially or culturally, I don't do it around my gramps, work or other relevant places, what purpose does it serve except for making you sound less intelligent? It wasn't hard let's put it that way, but I will say once you do knowingly stop you become more aware of your surroundings and of others and their foul mouths.  I thank you for kindly pointing that out.

Moving on...I have in the past and maybe this has been apart of my ability to escape the drama, or keep some Zen in my life but I forgive and let go and move on.  I think this helps my sanity.  With or without these people in my life.  I can't understand people who feel the need to hold on so tight to things that they need to  beat down on people to make themselves feel better.  If that helps you feel better, beat away, this does not affect me but if it helps you in some way carry on.


My family has gotten a new puppy last month, although old wounds are still fresh, but new memories are being made and welcomed.  Each dog brings some Zen with them.  Something to be learned from a dogs aspect they live in the moment.  They fall asleep so blissfully, they are so trustworthy and love unconditionally.  Tripp was 20lbs when we got him now he's 40lbs still crawling in my lab for nap time.  Just watching him brings peace and quite to the mind.  He is a joy.

I've also started meditating before sleep, I must say sleep like a baby.

I have also deleted all music in my library that isn't going to help me reach my so called equilibrium.  I want my music to match my intellectual levels and tastes, and if it didn't match it now well I have no use for it.  My thoughts were if I have not listened to it in at least 6 months it's a toss or if it wasn't a favorite artist in some way that has stuck with me I wasn't keeping it.  I had music from the distant past and what I call booty poppin' music that I question why do I even have this?  I never listen to this?  Bye, Bye... There is always YouTube if I have a huge desire again.  This is also going in the same direction in my home, getting ride of things I don't use or need.

and I guess sort of the best part, I'm taking classes to get Network + Certified.  I'm looking forward to the classes.  Being challenged and seeing what unfolds.  I am thankful for those I've met and never met and continue to inspire me and share their wealth of knowledge.  Knowledge is truly wonderful.

A River of Words About Me

There are few who actually know me.  Fewer people who understand and get my train of thought.  My likes and dislikes often reflect my range of thinking, which at times I must confess it feels very different than most.  I look at people and things in a totally different light.  I consider myself to be highly compassionate.  I listen intently to everything deeply and feel from it.  People shy away from the abnormal and I embrace it.  The art I like is different than what most like.  I look beyond it, like I could be in another dimension.  I see beauty in the living and the dying.  I'm an eternal optimist and a pessimist.  I guess it doesn't matter if you don't get, it matters that I get it.  I see beauty in most minute things that's why I love macro photography.  When I'm on the ocean it feels like home and I'm alone and at peace.
With my music nothing else exists.  Lost.  Music I feel it coursing, pouring through my veins.  Each sound, even the faintest sounds, blending exquisitely together, each intricate part building up, I'm not here anymore.  The strings to a violin, the deep tones of the piano, space and time are gone.  Wait?  Where was I?
I find logic in almost everything and push through the mess.  Often times I can be judgmental and upfront and more often brutally honest.  My mind can be its own worst enemy when things are bad.  I feel the pain pulsing through my veins.  Everything feels real.  Not everyone has the courage to be themselves.  Breathe.  From sounds to reading everything wells up inside me bursting at the seems.  My moods are built into the music I adore and the feelings I share and the movies I enjoy.  Sometimes it feels like its bleeding.  Understand?  In any given moment when in a crowded room, alone.  Entirely free.  Lost.  Escape.
I feel at home through imagination, through inspiration.  I tend to put peoples needs before my own.  Fields are empty Or are they?  I lack surprise.  I feel pain walking by another.  I don't take risks but deep inside I'm an adventurer, dying to come out.  I stand firm in my beliefs, hard swayed without facts.   I am of my own breed not another even close.  I look into starry nights and the world melts away.  I look at mother nature in every way and see beauty at everything she does, as everything begins and fades away.  My dreams feel real and sometimes decide my moods, I respect the living and the deceased, I feel it all around me.  I'm the total lack of my own demise.  Most people don't have the courage to say, but what does one really have to lose?  I pity people who live without love.  I want to fall in love and believe it still exist but I have learned to never compromise your soul.  People who know me know the surface of me but not the essence of me.  My tolerance for nonsense is non existent  yet I have such great patience.  I sense things that don't belong.  Its eerie to be me.  I cry because I feel and ache at thinking to far into the unknown at times so I bury the demons deeper and deeper.

Superfluous Marlena 4.0.0?

What drives our craving for experiences we've never experienced before?  It seems no matter what we always think about  the grass is greener.   Perhaps in some cases it is.  I have this desire that keeps thriving I can't shake.  We often look outside and see a simple portrait and say I wish I was doing this particular thing, and or that very same individual is saying the same in reversal most often, looking out.  Everything always looks great from the outside.  Is it really though?  I envision myself in several different version.  Marlena 4.0.1,  4.1.1, 4.2.1. All with the same core Marlena just different avenues, desires, dreams and star chasing.  Would it all equate to what and who I am still today?  If I can't shake this longing for desire now does it mean I'm bound to do it and should I follow my instincts?  Or is it just another fad that will pass?  My logical brain argues relentless with my soul that its not illogical or is it just allllll my own lusts and desire overruling my logic?  It seems far from illogical.  So what's the hold up..signs