Larger than Life

In the hopes of enlightenment and growth I couldn't help but wonder, just how we all got caught up in this race. The race to the questionable finish line, and why do we want to get there so badly. Isn't half the fun getting there? We all want to speed up and rush to the end. The end of what? I often fantasize what it would be like to finally get that whole school thing past me, or what it would of been like if I where never distracted by so called love from my past and really grab ahold of school and where I would or currently be in life. Would I be any further ahead? Would I be any wiser? Would I still have made the same choices? I think to myself I just can't wait to get on with my life. Well, shouldn't I be looking at getting "in" my life instead of going past all the stuff to get to that so called "on" with my life? Someone recently told me, I'm looking at all the negatives. He is so right. I should be enjoying the fact that I'm bettering myself going to school, and that I got a new job. I should be looking at it as something good instead of just another shitty stepping stone to what I want to have.

I feel like I'm the Empire State building putting me in another city would just be so wrong. I hope you get my drift. The new job, I was looking at quite questionably. Like thinking just about how much I'm dooming myself into hating yet another meaningless task to perform for which I care nothing about. But then I decided to grab ahold of my choice and look at it head on that this could be a potential good thing in moving forward. Well in my eyes no matter what we move forward. Good and bad. This could be good or could be bad. The Empire State building wants to go in looking good and classy. Hey, she had to be built somewhere fabulous!

The needs of the many and maybe the one?

It's absolutely funny how somethings can change so quickly. It boggles my mind how we all go through changes. Some quickly, some slower. I find I hesitate. I hesitate a lot when it comes to my blogs. Speaking how I truly feel about some situations. I do this due to my nature. My good nature. I feel that I am the almighty bigger person, that I would not break the barriers of trust, that I do not resent, that its not nearly close to being a big enough issue to waste my fragile time on such minute things. I would never get up and walk away, I would never hurt anyone intentionally and when I'm serious, I always say what I mean and I could never lie.

(frankly I'm fucking horrible at it...just ask anyone)

I find that some people just inspire me, some distract me, some make me happy, more annoy me, some need me, others upset me and they sure as hell don't understand me. I'm fascinated by why certain people come into my life. Hopefully I gain some wealth of knowledge with the new experiances. I often think they need an amazing person like me. It's okay, and if it is the case, I'm even more happy if I am the person to turn too. I had yet another purpose. There are a true few I know I need. Special people who have touched me and have guided me in certains ways besides my family, and I cherish you all, you know who you are, but just the rest of the time I feel that they simple need me. My compassion, my willingness to understand, my reasoning for outrageous claims, acts, and behaviors, my absolute compassion to understand and care like no other. Tick, tock, Tick, tock....yes my friend time...ticking away. Time reminds me. I feel if I have come into someones life, they should feel blessed. There may be no better friend, lover to have. Consequences, breaking points, and ice breakers are always around the corner. My choices are like no other choices I have ever made before and I sure as hell never give up on a good thing.

Chasing Illusions or Life?

It's complicated. If I could deconstruct all of life I would. Id tare apart the layers of every aspect on its long and winding adventures and everyone I love and their endeavors. I can't help but wonder where life is just taking me. I feel an overwhelming amount of cloudiness. Just patiently waiting, trying, calling, tugging, pulling in any direction to find that I only go...fuck? Do i really want to do this? Where am I going? I want to find my niche in life. But everything still feels questionable. I want to be apart of something that makes me feel at least apart of it, like me.

As I beat my brain to a bloody pulp wondering why some people just got there niche, their calling, fallen into something, I wonder what is mine. Wasting mass amounts of time fighting with myself "what should I be doing" when other people are just fighting to live. I sound so selfish and resent it. Wondering about what? Stuff in the end, that does not define me in the end? Stuff that frankly has no particular meaning. Just bullshit.

If you can imagine this, I left my purse in a restaurant, my stomache instantly sank, my heart throbbed, and there was a huge rush of anxiety..."oh, my god, my wallet, oh my god, my ZUNE, oh my god, my camera, credit cards." I start to sweat...I called they have my purse. I rush like a crazy mad woman just to have that bag back in my hands. Then, it hits me. I'm alive right? Nothing bad has happened to me or anyone I love right? Its just a purse with belongings. Yea it would suck, losing my soooo called identity and favorite pieces of technology but I had a total nervous break down about items and things I can always get again...while people continue to struggle to hold onto the very essence of life itself. So foolish. Wish it hit me while I carelessly drove 80miles an hour just to retrieve it while being so careless with my own life over a bag and some items I love. Instead of chasing after life, we chase after the dollar, the prize, and the goods and most of the time the things that mean nothing, I want to chase after something real in life.

My Current Situation through Photography

So...so...being very much jobless scrambling around in hopes I find the "IT" thing for me to slave away into, I can't stop obsessing more and more about photography. Every where I look, I see the next possible shot. I love hearing that famous line "oh i wish I had my camera" and I gleefully pull out my trusty Canon PowerShot. I grin ear to ear. As I happily look through the eyepiece or strategically place my camera in some odd position I find myself getting lost into the camera and my surroundings knowing a great man once told me "Bring your camera with you every where." I feel totally serene listing to the clicks and tick and the mechanical sounds of the auto focus adjusting to what could be my next shot of the week. I find myself in lots of boring situations and find myself deep in thought fantasizing and coming up with brilliant ways I would like to capture "LIFE" on film. Not so much film any more but memory card. Smirks.

Also being jobless has made me realize my love for it even more so. So I had to give up some stuff. My obscene shopping habits and my love for purses and the rest of my useless shit obsessions that amount to nothing in the end. I was okay with that. It really burned my ass and it sucks but I was okay. But at least I could reason that a camera captures life, parts of my life all along the road, my camera is forever linked to capturing my life. Then when the unthinkable happened, I thought one of my most beloved computer parts (THE CARD READER) almost died on me, I was ready to throw the towel in. If the common link to bring my photos to life where taken away, and thinking about not using a camera, broke my total will. I don't think I have cried that hard in my life. But thankfully in my broken state...ha ha get it? Broken, Broke...state, I pulled it together and got it to work and that's when it hit me! What if I where stripped of everything I think I need. Cellphone....oh god it would be hard, I admit this, but I would gladly throw it in the trash for an SLR or just to hold onto my camera if it where the only thing I could have. Purses? Ehhh...another toughie, what would I carry my fabulous camera around in? Still give it up for the camera. Your aware of my obsessions, and I would trade them all for another shot of "LIFE".

Life at this current moment makes my dream of an SLR seem far across the pacific. Just not in a place or time to get one. I can accept that. So for now, I will go down the path I'm meant to go down, to learn some meaningful lesson and continue to love my little Canon Powershot that will help capture my life lesson and know that it never once let me down.

BORED, BORED, BORED I Say

I find that lately I shy away from REALLY saying what I'm thinking. I'm not quite sure when this little thing happened. I pretty much always say exactly what I think. About anything. Virtually ANYTHING. I don't hold back. I refuse to sugar coat life and or any advise someone may ask me for. Someone has to be the one to be the realist and if its someone I definitely care about then I refuse even less to sugar coat the white lies. But there is just something lately that just makes me be agreeable for the sake of....of...having to listen or to deal with the challenge of the white lies.
Lately I'm just plain bored of everything. BORED, BORED, BORED....bored of going out, bored of cleaning, bored of running, bored of reading, bored of playing video games, bored of shopping, bored of all the drama including my own, bored of sleeping and eating....bla, bla, bla...I'm even bored of this very blog. The one thing I may not be bored with is my dear Canon PowerShot A560. Never lets me down.

I'm not sure if this sudden boredom is from being very much jobless. But it sucks. I hate the fact that we go to work like good little soldiers, and all we can think about most of the time is going home. Well now, I'm home, and all I kinda want to do is work? WHAT THE HELL DO PEOPLE WANT TO RETIRE FOR???? This is sheer, agony. Rubbish. I HATE WORK, I HATE NOT WORKING.

I dream of one day being a very fashionable kinda gal...(wait I already am) well still a fashionable kinda gal, that blogs all day about exciting adventures and life through the eyes of her camera. Never in one place for long and always has her handy cam and fabulous purse at her side.


Ahhh... why can't that be the American Dream?

Memories The Tears Are Worthy For

I casually wipe the tears from my eyes in such disgust. I find myself more than highly irritated with several situations. I'm disgusted with life's unforgiven and cruel lessons. I find that life is so fragile, cruel, and unforgiving, that i wipe another tear away in such disgust. I find that all the bullshit minuscule things to complain about are pointless in the big scheme of things. I find that life teaches us all bullshit lessons the cruel way, as I wipe yet another tear away in such disgust, and I can't understand why there are these lessons and why do they happen to good people? I find the things I worry about are all meaningless puzzle pieces for me to only learn some hard lesson in the end. How can life be so bright and amazing and so damn cruel at the same time? I get it. Appreciate the small things, the good things, all that. But how many times do you have to relive it? I feel I look at life and people at different angles, like any good camera would. I look at the bright and the dark, the unconditional love and I wont say hate but dislikes, the forgiven and the unforgiven, the conquest and the lost ones, up and shitty downs, the familiar and the unfamiliar and I wipe another tear away in such disgust. My passion and patience is in such a fragile state. I feel like I have never been here before kicking around just trying to get out. These tears are not for the cruel and the pity but for my loved ones. Images of memories burned into memory, into heart, into love for those are memories the tears are worthy for.