Emotions Running Amok

Lately my emotions are getting the best of me over things I know I can't control.  Yet I'm thoroughly aggravated and emotionally annoyed by it.  I know there is nothing I can do about these certain situation and yet I dwell and  can not remove them from my head.  (This is for my most current present state, nothing to do with my past, just an FYI ) They keep popping back inside my head and I keep playing out the stupid scenario of did I, or what if's,  did I say this, or should I have done that? And yet I know its all either irrelevant or totally illogical yet I find no matter how busy I am.  BAM it pops into this masochistic mind.  Is it just typical?  I have no clue.  Is it thoroughly annoying?  Absolutely.  Do I wish I could make it stop.  I beg for it.  I blame my caring beating feeble wussy heart.  Sometimes I just pray for that type of self diluted state of emotional separation.  Maybe that dark and twisty side of me is just catching up with me.  Perhaps, not. I put too much value in heart or emotions is going on I guess all in good faith?  I don't know what else to really call it.  Most times I tend to think I'm pretty rational, but lately why am I just caring about things that have very little significance?  Or maybe they do?  How can you even really tell and why is it really getting the best of me at random moments in time?  I put too much value in things in my surroundings.  My emotions run amok and  I always have that deeper sense of connection that probably never exists but only exists in my mind.  Maybe, maybe not...feels like self mutational of emotions personally.  Make it STOP...Seriously....what's wrong with me???  Maybe the lack of sleep that is catching up with me, maybe I just care way to much, maybe I'm way over thinking (shocker).  But I find it curious why I put so much stock into these little things that seem to  mean something to me that normally has very little significance to the majority.  Maybe I just need a holiday in Spain.

Never Grow Up

When we were younger we had very little reservations for caring or holding much back for what we did or thought.  Our biggest concerns was can we stay up late to watch my favorite show, can I have another cookie before bed, or can I go outside and play with my friends? We were essentially blank slates.  We never had any inclination what the real world really held.  Our own little worlds where so tiny, yet so fragile.  We never stopped and really wondered where things came from, or how it all worked, or what our parents may have been burdened with.  There was no need too.  Why would we?  When we are young we want everyone's acceptance. 

As we progress into our teens we start to learn new concepts and experiences but we still rarely care about the big scheme of things.  Well, you care, but you care more about numero uno.  I found here in my experience I cared so much less about everyone else's approval for acceptance and approvals and fitting in.  I no longer wanted to be apart of their well built establishment of clicks in high school I wanted to be me.  Yet still having no major responsibility in life except what was most important to yourself.  High school world  seemed like a sad joke.  You believed your whole world was wrapped around in that whole place and nothing much existed.  Except there really is a whole world out there.  All you worried about is what new CD came out, when will I hang out with my friends.  When will I see my favorite band yet again and oh the ultimate question is my father going to pull the spark plugs out of my vehicle again for the way I'm dressed or style preference   This used to blow my mind.  I remember getting annoyed but never really getting mad at him for it.  I remember getting dolled up back in the 90's (I believe the skirt was to my knees or for example ) to go some where out with friends.  He casually asked, where do you plan on going.  I replied out with friends.  He nodded and said, not until you changed and I remember thinking oh, sure, sure.  He never said anything and I never thought twice about it.  Till I went out to my car and tried to turn it on and it wouldn't start.  I come back in.  Dad my car won't start!  My father would casually reply...I know, I took out the spark plugs out, now go change.  I just remember thinking, well played sir, well played.  I have two younger sister...and I wanted retribution   I couldn't wait to see it happen to them.  I never got to see that kind of requirements for them, perhaps I was the lucky one.  

Regardless,  As we get older we start to realize we become more reserved and real things actually happen and the world ultimately does not revolve around you, despite what you once thought.  It's fun to look back and reflect on those times of youth.  Now your an adult.  You go to work, you pay bills, taxes, ugh, you deal with real life situations you really didn't  have to before, you break hearts, your heart gets broken, you deal with the happiest of times and the worst of times now and yet  self evolution continues and there is a whole big giant world out there for you.  Being an adult is exactly what you make of it.  I chose to still be a little excentric and have a great appreciation for that big world of life and a greater appreciation for all the shock and awe experiences that came with growing into my own adult self.  I regret very little.  Regrets hold you down.  I try to learn from my past with very little resentment.  For those past lessons are what shapes who you become.  I also don't allow them to decide my overall being because I wouldn't want to miss out on opportunity's or experiences I can experience   I hate the saying that people never or can't change.  It's the lack of wanting to or allowing yourself to evolve.  At this point I'm content as to whom I have shaped into as an adult as I still welcome self evolution always.  

Sometimes you gotta wonder though, wasn't it more fun when your biggest worry was am I going to get in trouble for breaking the rules?  Now that I am my own adult and I make my own rules its not as much of a thrill.  Just sayin'.....then again....it all depends.  I leave you with that.

I Don't Need A Holiday

The holiday to be thankful...hmm.

I guess I find this holiday annoying.

Here's why.  Everyone gets with their family one day out of the year or maybe more to stuff their faces and most often get aggravated.  My thoughts are simple the on the matter, I practice it everyday.  Small or big.  I'm already thankful and I make the efforts.  For my small victories and my losses, my big victories and for my family, close friends, cute kitties and the things that matter most.  That being said, I just don't feel the need to make a holiday out of it and those that do enjoy it I'm not trying to disrespect anyone.  I'm ultimately thankful for all my experiences.  They are the foundation and evolution of my soul and that I am thankful for.  I show the people I value through action and words.

To my fellow American's

I keep reading about how everyone is very upset about the election, where our country is heading and so forth.  I'm going to try and keep this simple without pushing MY or any political party agenda.  That being said...

I want to remind my disgruntled fellow Americans the first line of the Constitution say "WE THE PEOPLE"...Not We the government.  It will. If you choose to do nothing or iqnore everything. 

We the people need to stop having this little pitty party and arm ourselves with our education.  Seems most of us already have.  Most of us already have strong views.  But its lacking the know how and the responsibility due to step up to the plate when we don't like something.  Hence the Constitution.  We talk about it constantly but do we really soak it in and utilize our abilities, We the people have?

Technology, media, busy lifestyle all there for us to distract us for the government to do as they want.  WE have the ability to make a difference.  WE the people have the ability to change it, We the people need to step up the game and fight for what YOU believe in. Start writting to your local congressmen, write to the sentate, start a petition.  Hell start a strike if that's what it takes.  But We the people like sheep give the goverment all the power with very little fight hand over fist and we either sit back and accept the changes or you make a difference whatever that is.  Like busy working drones government relys on this.  If you never once wrote, or voiced your opinion to your local congressmen, to the senate or any avenue you pretty much have given government all the power.  So make a change,  start some where is better than no where. 

I leave you with this thought...
People in history who made a difference made a difference. Because they did something, they fought for what they believed in. Not because they didnt.  Maybe its all time WE fought for something WE believe in.  

my weight loss journey thus far

People ask me constantly, "How did you do it?"  My answer I guess is simple.  It'simplicity this time around my state of mind and lifestyle choices and education and lack of pressure.  I don't presume to have all the answers, except for what has worked and has failed in the past for me.  What has failed for me, is what I have noticed has failed for a majority.  Pressure of losings weight and using terms such as dieting and focusing on the evil mechanism the scale, the do's and don'ts.

What I did is what seemed to be the fail safe approach and to great success has worked.  One I educated myself and started small.  It seems that when it comes to educating your self in this area somethings are overwhelming and people feel they need to go all in to make it work and its not true, do what you can in your lifestyle.  Make simple lifestyle changes small or large based on your lifestyle that you can do.  Any change is actually better than none at all.

What first inspired me was my cousin the model told me to watch Fat Sick and Nearly Dead.  It's then I felt a personal connection to the documentary and realized a lot of obvious truths behind it.  The personal connection is I was a chronic migraine suffer for years with no answers, that tried lots of avenues.  I highly recommend it.
After I had watched it I spoke with my cousin about the film and he gave the greatest advice anyone could give.  Which was, "Your body, the mirror and clothes will tell you everything, forget the scale.  The mirror doesn't lie"  So through out this journey I really retained what he said.  I never once weighed myself.  I only did when I had a follow up at the doctors and that's when it kinda started to make sense.  It all started to really hit me when people started to comment that I really needed to go out and buy new clothes. HAHAHA.  Although, I have never done the full blown juicing route due to at that time in my life I was recently laid off from a job, so I modified it.  Like I said simple, lifestyle choices. I incorporated the drink Green Machine in my diet and started to have more focus on fruits and vegetables in my diet than large portions of meat.  I stopped eating past 6pm and I totally axed out soda only now to occasionally have it.   When you totally get ride of it you will no longer want it.  But you do it slowly and I never once focused on what I was actually doing.  Just made choices. Simple choices. Then I became more active, not super active but more, but I feel that making it a lifestyle change and being simple about it and not thinking about it is what has and given me the edge to not have to incorporate the working out portion to all this.  Also I find that your body may be dehydrated vs actually hungry so I always have a glass of water before eating if I'm still hungry in a half hour then I'll have something.  Well all know what is shit food,  I stay away from fast food at all costs.  So there are the mini lifestyle choices I had incorporated, and I continue and evolve everyday.

Yesterday I saw my hairdresser who I saw in September she said I drastically changed in two months since she last saw me.  Sometimes it like a shock and awe value, cause you still look at yourself in the same light at times.  But I'm proud of myself on so many levels.  I was never highly overweight, but being overweight doesn't make us feel any better as we get older and I'm starting to feel better in my skin again, and so with a glass a wine last night I cheated and stepped on the scale to see that I'm 7lbs away from goal.  Does that mean once I get to goal to stop my learned lifestyle choices?  Never.  I hope to not turn into a stick, ick!  But  to turn back to the dark side, I think not.

Paths

Perhaps, the path of life that brings us to doors that we open leads us to opening new doors for which we have sealed off to the world.  Some that have been sealed away for several years, some for moments in time.  So as they say,  one door closes but several can lead you down new paths and help you to make new choices.  New choices you thus far you would of closed yourself off from.  Maybe these path's choose you, you don't choose them.  Like a friend recently told me,  the music we listen to often chooses us.  I firmly believe that, maybe that correlates to a lot of aspects to our lives.  Perhaps, my soul has been closed off for so long that this life lesson has taught me more than had anticipated.  That one, I am oddly unique but in every once worth any risks.  That I am capable of so much more than hiding it all behind a false image of haunted ghosts.  I have love and compassion in perhaps the most minute things but I see the larger picture so they aren't so minute.  I'm never resentful.  The inner circle of people know I'd risk everything and give everything to those that matter most.  Sometimes I'm more scared of living than dying.  I often feel like I don't belong in this time, I wish I was from another time.  When things actually meant something.  Maybe its the fact that sleep eludes me so.  Or maybe The day After Tomorrow is coming that's making me think this way, or my DNA, but I know that moving forward I don't feel bad for who I am.  I am Marlena.  I've been hidden for a while now behind scars, and band-aids and this is myself letting it all go and remembering I'm not going to let the past any longer damage and dictate my future.  Because I am Marlena, I am worth it.

where did the boldness go yonder?

I used to be one those people who didn't have a problem flat out asking a question without hesitation when I needed an answer or a resolution or when I felt I needed to protect myself and to be an asshole of sorts.  Especially in difficult situations.  But it seems in the past year or two I'd say that has changed dramatically.  Obviously its based on the situation itself as it arises.  Now i find myself either wondering occasionally instead of getting an answer or resolution, or I simply find myself choosing the less burden path. Due to not wanting to expel or waste energy on it.  Is that maturity?  is it laziness?  is it just not caring anymore?  Is it throwing my shield back up?  what is it?  Does it make me scared?  WTF???  When did that happen?  Did I even just say that?  Do I indeed value that much what the response is going to actually be?  Pfft...I really need to asses that in itself.  How about this...do I even really want to know???  Really?  I fight with myself I guess on some sort of inner level but if I really wanted to know wouldn't I just make some sort of effort to find out really?  A lot of times I think my good friends, real friends know me but I think that even gets very confused.  Especially in the drama department.  I don't participate.  I'm like The Dark Knight in the shadows.  I have no time or air to be wasted on such nonsense.  Yet, I feel it lurking in the background that some don't get that.  I feel like some will say they share the same view but won't and that's okay we are not meant too.  Touche.  But alas, where did the boldness go yonder?  I do not know, perhaps, I shouldn't fret.  As very few people have seen or provoked me to Red Alert status, I guess there's no major need for concern.

Love and Loss

Sleep eludes me. I have this ache in my heart that's twisting my insides apart.  It's called love and loss. Love does crazy things to you.  Time does crazy things to you.  Absence does crazy things to you.  You wonder if your own memory is its own self mutilation.  You think of the beginning, the fun, the crazy, then how we thought we were going mad, and the good times and then theres the end.  Your own worst enemy.  Your memories on rewind, over and over again, jolting you, reminding you, just jabbing at you.  As if you didnt already know.  As if your feeble mind wasn't already aware of the absense and daily reminders that it also wants to pay visits in your restless nights.  Or at any chance it wants to sneak up. The mind is a dangerous place, if one lingers too long in the dark.  I keep thinking to myself of happier times, but sometimes the happier times get the better of me and rip the air from my lungs and I feel crippled and empty at knowing nothing really is forever on earth. But I know they are forever in our hearts.  That's were they remain.  Dealing with loss, any type is not simple, there is no quick resolution, but there are some nice distractions that help us get by even for just a little while.

A Love Stunt Maneuver

Went for a stroll on a Saturday afternoon with my father and our dog Indy. Its then I realized just some of what we are capable of when it comes to pure love.  You sacrifice yourself without hesitation.  Then there are moments when your heart skips a beat so fast for you to even notice it has happened for the ones you love.  Its true for anything.  I realized some of my passion just so for our family dog.  Went walking along on a trail, he got stuck on the side of a cliff.  Struggling to get up, I had my Nikon D80 with me without hesitation I practically removed it and nosed dived down the cliff to save my pup only for him to end up making it on his own and me holding on to a tree root from not nose diving the rest of the way.  In tears of my Indiana Jones maneuver, I realized I didn't care of the sacrifice that could of taken place or the risks only what had to be done. Didn't care if I was okay, or about the camera, just about Indy.  Scary none the less.  Love takes all forms and leads you down all sorts of paths.  But real love never makes you hesitate, and as for our pets they love you unconditionally.  We do this for our counterparts as well.  Love should never be blind, and time is a gift.

Labor Day...

Well Labor day was quite chillax and that was fine by me.  Spent the day with family and friends.  The weather was perfect for a nice cook out.  It reminded me of fall, which is defiantly right around the corner.  There was a nice breeze which I snatched a near by hoodie and relaxed and had lots of great laughs with my loved ones.  It's time like that when everyone is together to appreciate the smallest things.  Days off, warm cool breezes,  cook outs, smiles, dogs begging for food, and the near by hoodie to snatch.

The Pillars

As we go through this thing called life the people who help mold and shape and build the foundation's of our  paths,  I call them the pillars.  We all a few or several pillars.  For myself, I can count my pillars on one hand.   I cherish all of them immensely.  I hope they all realize that in my actions.  Life sometimes feels like a snow globe.  The snow is lax and settled to the bottom and everything is routine and familiar and than time and reality sneaks up on you and shakes the snow globe and whispers in your ear that nothing is forever and your heart aches and before it even happens a piece of you feels as if you've begun to die.  I hate the fear it brings, the unknown but I know that I would never regret anything I've ever done because I've known my heart was right where it belonged all along.  The mental head game it brings, the clocks slashing away the minutes, the seconds and its all a massive joke.  What's it really all about? Every millisecond here is a gift.  The ones we love.  I find myself in a routine based on what is for others and not always for myself and I stop and question well if not for me then who right now?  Is that little extra time for someone else going to hurt me if it makes them happy?  The answer I almost find is always no and the end result is almost always the right one.  The constant ciaos all the noise of bullshit I separate myself from is quite simple I have no time for it, there is no room for it so why let it ruin you.  Lots of time I feel like running for shelter, sometimes I'm not even sure what point I'm trying to make.  But I know that they are pillars for me and I hope I can instill that some where down the line and be as amazing.

Suit of Amor

So I got to thinking about old relationships and how sometimes they can break you, change you for the worse.  You learn from these damaging relationships and move forward, but do we really move forward or do we just bury them so deep that you run at the first sight of them?  I cant help but wonder will we ever not be broken?  When your shield is constantly up how does one let them down? You constantly protect you soul from any outsiders and then someone tries to invade it and it shakes you to the core, so you run.  Feel no emotion when it comes to any type of personal relationship.  How can one person be that fucked up because of other peoples behaviors from the past?

Scars

Funny thing about scars, is your soul is full of them and lucky for yourself they are barried away and you don't have to face them once you have or haven't. But when its a scar on your physical self that brings you to a dark place in your soul it just rips the hole open that much deeper. It's hard trying to hold your soul together when it's been ripped back open especially when so many bandaids have been placed over the wounds. You feel like swish cheese bleeding at the seems. Trying to plug the holes, but there's just too many so you hug your own wounds gasping for your own breathe. You wonder how many more times can you place the already fragile soul back together again.

fabric of our own existance

I wonder if on some unknown level of being that what ever it is that we love or do that our bodies sync and become one.  Even if we aren't actively doing it.  When you get lost in your own world and your body pulses to the very fabric of your own being all the shapes and objects of the world shifts and melt away.  The sounds bleed through your very existence.  It's your own escape for what your actually capable of.  What we all are capable of.  It's weird how the sudden shock or jolt brings you so called back to life of reality and to your surroundings and your blown away that your even where you are at that very moment.