Plan of action.....Unknown....

Perspective is a good place.  Sometimes blind faith leads us.  To what I can not say.  The heart over rules logical sense and we are left to clean up the mess we've created.  I pride myself on use of logical sense.  Or my own logical sense.  As if it's a super power the human race is lacking.  I'm having that weak moment of the heart.  Such conflict.  Such rare occurrences.  I find myself humbled by it.  Still.  I find it some how irrelevant.  Playing with emotions.  I loathe how consumed my thoughts have betrayed me.  False, delusions and black holes.  Consumed and unaware of the surroundings of such nothingness.  Time feels like super slow motion.  Yet I remain busy.  What am I purpose to do, be doing?  Don't answer that; I mean you can't answer that any way.  I've been trying to answer this most of my adult life.  Riddled with ambitions, exploration, desires and fears.  What is the key?  I have these things I want to do but am fearful.  I don't like being afraid because that reminds me of being anxious and that to me is not being in the present.
Plan of action.....Unknown....
Disengage from this thought process to commence....immediately....
Till plan becomes known.  If ever.  More clear.  Or never.  Whatever.

Memories Lost?

I was writing in my journal and realized I had a knack of erasing things from my past.  People, events, from my past, as if they never happened.  As if I never look back.  I never do.  I never recall and when I attempt, I honestly can not recall.  When I let go, I've let go and never turn back.  I've even done so with people on a moving forward basis.  A cleansing of the soul of disassociation's. 

I then started to question, is this poor memory?  Or is this an emotional wall, resistance is futile scenario.   I tried to recall things I had no desire of ever reliving but alas they are my past, it is my history.  But I could barely recall, and what I did was only few recollections of not good highlights. Am I that resentful of my own past that there is only now?  With only selective memories?  Is this true of all?  I wonder?  I had some great fond memories.  Where did they go??? But I find that disassociation of that fondness helps in order to move on and forward and no looking back.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm cold as stone but I know that isn't true.  Could I seriously be this blind?  Or maybe this is the greatest mechanism there is?  Hence, my ability to assess the situation cope and deal and move forward and deal and fix any situation and or let go?  OR my greatest downfall?  Is it that bad to not have memories to recall?  Or to have?  It has been driving me mad.  A close friend recently said to me "How can you seriously not remember that?"  I told her if she hadn't reminded me it was if it never existed, I just moved on.  She was blown away.  I guess I'm semi thankful for my backup hard drive friends who do recollect these select memories of my own life I've chosen to erase.

For the very last time?????

This is to the ones I am thankful for the friendships I have where even though we do not talk every day, see each other often, or even cancel plans we never get upset at each other.  Those I value most, I find those are the most accepting of who we actually are and we pick up right where we left off.  I call that maturity and acceptance, instead of self sacrificing who we really are.

Moving on to family across all boards.  Please don't be petty and make this solely about yourselves.  I love family but for as long as I can remember everyone under the sun loves to tell me everything and vent to me.  Maybe it's because I've been the overly compassionate one that always finds the good in people.  I'm truly flattered that you feel that comfortable with me and or you think I'm going to be the mediator for God knows how many years worth of things that has little to do with me but your telling the wrong person except for the one place or person it needs to go.  Out of purest respect for immediate family I tolerate it and they know my limitations.  I'd love nothing more for you all to get it fixed just leave me out.  I just don't know how many times you can possibly convey it and translate it in different ways that:
A)  Not my problem;  it's 33+ years worth of problems that I will never solve, well before my birth
B)  I am my OWN person, I do not participate nor do I care to hear about it in any aspects.  I don't even tolerate this type of drama in the outside world.
C)  No I'm not going to deliver any messages for any parties involved.  Hence my peaceful co-existence with all parties.
Your wasting my precious time every time you bring it up. None of you are willing to reconcile what has already happened so why are you wasting my time?  Your not going to get instantaneous results. Your options are talk about it till your blue in the face and let it all out (not to me), clean the air and work it all out and or clean slate it and move on and never bring it up again and really move on.
That being said I love you.


Muse Panic Station

You won't get much closer
Until you sacrifice it all (-all)
You won't get to taste it
With your face against the wall (-wall, wall)

Get up and commit
Show the power trapped within (-in, in)
Do just what you want to
Now stand up and begin (uh)

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Doubts will try to break you
Unleash your heart and soul (-soul)
Trouble will surround you
Start taking some control (-'trol)

Stand up and deliver
Your wildest fantasy (-'sy, 'sy)
Do what the fuck you want to
There's no one to appe-e-ease

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
And I know that you will fight for the duration
Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And you know I'm not resisting your temptations
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Parachutes

I used to have this problem you see...
I used to have this sense of avoidance of certain things that would take me back to a place I just had no desire of reflecting back on.  Lived and learned.  No resentment.  Just something I felt what's done is done, the past can not be rewritten and I have no use for it in this time and place.  To the point, the avoidance factor was some simple things that would sting and would ignite old emotions that would bring me back to that space time continuum.  One of which a song.  I avoided it because I already lived it.  I'm not looking to go back to dwell on negativity or be reminded.  So in my normal routine, apparently the cloud felt the need to re-download the song while I was doing my cleaning, dance party, yes its hilarious, unfazed while it played and I rocked out to it and no old memories came back.
I stopped at the end and realized what just happened gazed around foolishly as if someone was looking at me.  Did this just happen?  So just to be sure I played it a few more times to make sure it wasn't false trickery.  No old memories, So I continued my dance party and rocked out like I owned it.  I now feel the song has an entirely new meaning than it once had.
Take that iTunes.

My Rebellion

Paul Van Dyk - Homage

To all my love sick readers or non,
I typically do this once a year.  My little rebellion against Valentines day.  It's just another day, stop setting expectations that won't or can't always be met.  I refuse to participate even if I had someone to participate with based on the soul facet I refuse to follow our culture in this nonsense behavior.  No, I am not jealous I think romance should continue to exist instead of celebrating it with the herd of people forcing it to happen (based on my relationship and its foundation realistically), which I see typically leads to some sort of misery by the end of the day for some or most.  I tend to hear more complaints about this day due to over expectations time and time again and I constantly keep reinforcing why do you keep setting these over the top Hollywood exceptions on either sides of the spectrum.  It's obviously their relationship and perhaps they are often to close to the fence to see, so why don't they base this day off of their own relationships foundation they built around themselves instead of these false illusions.  MIND BLOWN.
So I just listen.......
In any case... I hate it for its money making agenda, and its cruelty on the mind and of the people who have to endure hearing about it afterwards.
Who wants to be my non valentine?
And to the people who are perfectly content as they are please resume your love sick day.
Find some homage.

Cramping My Style

The obnoxious cold and constant cloud cover is cramping my style.  (that being said, listening to my  headphones, melting under the milky way)  So I'm forced to come up with creative alternate avenues.   I thought about sitting in my warm car looking out the sun roof but that isn't the same (since there seems to be a constant void of nothing above me).  So instead I meditate, listen in doors, exercise or find other release outlets.  I like my old routine better though, I like the subtle reminder of how insignificant we really all are.  It brings pain and perspective and yet I feel more alive when it happens.  I guess it could be considered a little masochistic.  We all have our venting, escape release.  So when I feel that the weight of the world has tapped me on the shoulder,(which it has recently) I like to escape on the grass and grab the headphones and escape listening to my pain bleed out in an orchestra  and stare up into that big huge universe.  As the music wells up inside my soul and pounds in my chest its like a reset button, sometimes there are tears, sometimes I create and write, and of course it's also just the simple reminder that I'm just a small blip on the radar of the massive planet.  Oh and did I mention the simple pleasures in life of just being?  < Sometimes even for myself I feel like a load of crap.  Just saying.  That's probably the world tapping on my shoulder again and me trying to convince myself otherwise.
How's it working out?

Itzhak Perlman Mozart Adagio for Violin and Orchestra