Paths

Perhaps, the path of life that brings us to doors that we open leads us to opening new doors for which we have sealed off to the world.  Some that have been sealed away for several years, some for moments in time.  So as they say,  one door closes but several can lead you down new paths and help you to make new choices.  New choices you thus far you would of closed yourself off from.  Maybe these path's choose you, you don't choose them.  Like a friend recently told me,  the music we listen to often chooses us.  I firmly believe that, maybe that correlates to a lot of aspects to our lives.  Perhaps, my soul has been closed off for so long that this life lesson has taught me more than had anticipated.  That one, I am oddly unique but in every once worth any risks.  That I am capable of so much more than hiding it all behind a false image of haunted ghosts.  I have love and compassion in perhaps the most minute things but I see the larger picture so they aren't so minute.  I'm never resentful.  The inner circle of people know I'd risk everything and give everything to those that matter most.  Sometimes I'm more scared of living than dying.  I often feel like I don't belong in this time, I wish I was from another time.  When things actually meant something.  Maybe its the fact that sleep eludes me so.  Or maybe The day After Tomorrow is coming that's making me think this way, or my DNA, but I know that moving forward I don't feel bad for who I am.  I am Marlena.  I've been hidden for a while now behind scars, and band-aids and this is myself letting it all go and remembering I'm not going to let the past any longer damage and dictate my future.  Because I am Marlena, I am worth it.

where did the boldness go yonder?

I used to be one those people who didn't have a problem flat out asking a question without hesitation when I needed an answer or a resolution or when I felt I needed to protect myself and to be an asshole of sorts.  Especially in difficult situations.  But it seems in the past year or two I'd say that has changed dramatically.  Obviously its based on the situation itself as it arises.  Now i find myself either wondering occasionally instead of getting an answer or resolution, or I simply find myself choosing the less burden path. Due to not wanting to expel or waste energy on it.  Is that maturity?  is it laziness?  is it just not caring anymore?  Is it throwing my shield back up?  what is it?  Does it make me scared?  WTF???  When did that happen?  Did I even just say that?  Do I indeed value that much what the response is going to actually be?  Pfft...I really need to asses that in itself.  How about this...do I even really want to know???  Really?  I fight with myself I guess on some sort of inner level but if I really wanted to know wouldn't I just make some sort of effort to find out really?  A lot of times I think my good friends, real friends know me but I think that even gets very confused.  Especially in the drama department.  I don't participate.  I'm like The Dark Knight in the shadows.  I have no time or air to be wasted on such nonsense.  Yet, I feel it lurking in the background that some don't get that.  I feel like some will say they share the same view but won't and that's okay we are not meant too.  Touche.  But alas, where did the boldness go yonder?  I do not know, perhaps, I shouldn't fret.  As very few people have seen or provoked me to Red Alert status, I guess there's no major need for concern.

Love and Loss

Sleep eludes me. I have this ache in my heart that's twisting my insides apart.  It's called love and loss. Love does crazy things to you.  Time does crazy things to you.  Absence does crazy things to you.  You wonder if your own memory is its own self mutilation.  You think of the beginning, the fun, the crazy, then how we thought we were going mad, and the good times and then theres the end.  Your own worst enemy.  Your memories on rewind, over and over again, jolting you, reminding you, just jabbing at you.  As if you didnt already know.  As if your feeble mind wasn't already aware of the absense and daily reminders that it also wants to pay visits in your restless nights.  Or at any chance it wants to sneak up. The mind is a dangerous place, if one lingers too long in the dark.  I keep thinking to myself of happier times, but sometimes the happier times get the better of me and rip the air from my lungs and I feel crippled and empty at knowing nothing really is forever on earth. But I know they are forever in our hearts.  That's were they remain.  Dealing with loss, any type is not simple, there is no quick resolution, but there are some nice distractions that help us get by even for just a little while.