What A Move Did To Me

Sooo I guess this is my official 3rd move. I'm highly not recommending it. Moving sucks. So in light of this 3rd adventure, I got royally pissed of with the simple fact of really how much shit I have actually accumulated. So as I unpack and continue to pack, I call in reinforcements, Crystal and Gage. I'll be real here. I have a love for shoes, clothes, purses and all that jazz but I think I'm finally so fed up with it. How much of it can you possible have and for what? So lucky for me I have a great support group that forced me to do the unthinkable, start sifting and getting ride of what seems to be the endless mass of stuff. It kinda feels like a sudden relief and a sudden sickness all at the same time. The sickness of coming to the rationalization of just how much I have spent money on, and the torment of getting ride of it. The relief feels like a sudden weight has been lifted. All good things come to end? Maybe this is the end of my very obsession. Just trying to make sense of it all. I'm free, I have no huge major responsibilities and yet I waste my very own existence on sheer representation of appearance.

I just don't want to do it any more you know? I don't want to move any more, granted I will have to sometime, I don't want to waste money on foolish things, even though its bound to happen, I don't want to be miserable, I JUST WANT TO ACCEPT. ACCEPT MYSELF. relax and be me. FUCK CLOTHES when I can have an amazing camera which can capture the very essence of my very own life journey and the rest of the world has to offer. That's what I care about. Not clothes, accessories, style. I LIE, i still love it but its time to move on tooo something so much more meaningful. For me.

Denial

The funny thing about lies, is well, how do you know what is real and what is not? Is there a way to decipher a lie? Isn't most of life a giant lie? Is everything a lie? From the moment your a child your told lies, your lied too. Maybe not anything significant but still lies. Santa Clause, Easter bunny, tooth fairy. Everything is bright and shinny and then, then your shaken from what you once believed to be true, to the so called real world without lies that all you have known was a lie. You start to realize life isn't so shinny anymore, people die, people get hurt, people tell horrible lies, things become harder, you fall harder, its harder to pick yourself back up, and when you fall its the simple fact that no one is there to help pick you back up, and still life isn't so shinny.

The hard reality sets in chasing illusions and false hopes, that constantly haunt and torment. You lie to yourself, you lie to me. It's just that easy. One slip. I dream of a day where no more lies would ever exist and life was just as shinny as it once was believed to be, but in this shallow hollow world there is no such hope. Just move forward and accept the lie. Denial, isn't that what we do? We make ourselves believe that it's real. The lie. What ever gets us through the day. Dee-nial. If it wasn't for denial where would we all be. How in the hell would we all get through it all. The mess. This sloppy mess we call life. Denial. We deny whats true to our hearts, we deny our very own existence at times. We bleed, we shed tears that sting and we continue to deny our very own existance. Its simple if we just lie to ourselves to get through the day, if your okay for that brief moment in time then we have done a good job. It makes it that much easier to swallow that bitter pill. No one likes the color white, cause its a lie. A color so simple and pure, nothing in life is so. So I will swallow yet another denial pill to believe that life is simple and pure and we don't live in a wasteland of lies. Life is what you make it, what a slogan, who ever made it was sure as hell in denial. I want to join the denial club. I wonder who the president is, I envy them, just a little any way.