It's complicated. If I could deconstruct all of life I would. Id tare apart the layers of every aspect on its long and winding adventures and everyone I love and their endeavors. I can't help but wonder where life is just taking me. I feel an overwhelming amount of cloudiness. Just patiently waiting, trying, calling, tugging, pulling in any direction to find that I only go...fuck? Do i really want to do this? Where am I going? I want to find my niche in life. But everything still feels questionable. I want to be apart of something that makes me feel at least apart of it, like me.
As I beat my brain to a bloody pulp wondering why some people just got there niche, their calling, fallen into something, I wonder what is mine. Wasting mass amounts of time fighting with myself "what should I be doing" when other people are just fighting to live. I sound so selfish and resent it. Wondering about what? Stuff in the end, that does not define me in the end? Stuff that frankly has no particular meaning. Just bullshit.
If you can imagine this, I left my purse in a restaurant, my stomache instantly sank, my heart throbbed, and there was a huge rush of anxiety..."oh, my god, my wallet, oh my god, my ZUNE, oh my god, my camera, credit cards." I start to sweat...I called they have my purse. I rush like a crazy mad woman just to have that bag back in my hands. Then, it hits me. I'm alive right? Nothing bad has happened to me or anyone I love right? Its just a purse with belongings. Yea it would suck, losing my soooo called identity and favorite pieces of technology but I had a total nervous break down about items and things I can always get again...while people continue to struggle to hold onto the very essence of life itself. So foolish. Wish it hit me while I carelessly drove 80miles an hour just to retrieve it while being so careless with my own life over a bag and some items I love. Instead of chasing after life, we chase after the dollar, the prize, and the goods and most of the time the things that mean nothing, I want to chase after something real in life.
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