Everyone has insecurities, I'm just going to really try and free mine.

I don't especially care to openly say this but I guess if you where in my life or had know me you would of seen me so what difference does it really all make.  None.  I recently was thinking about what I was doing with my weight loss journey thus far and now what I was trying to prove.  4 years ago I was at an all time over weight for myself and royally unhappy.  Two years ago still over weight but trimmed down somewhat but not thrilled.   I remember my dear friend ordering one of my favorite tee shirts for me.  The Nikon shirt. They asked what size I wanted and I felt so terrible about it.  One shouldn't buy clothes larger than they are to try and conceal themselves it doesn't help. That's what I did.  Now as I pull my favorite tee over my head its more like I'm swimming in it.  Which brings me to what Sheldon states "Is your weight somehow tied into your self worth?"  Well it's quite the logical statement do I agree now with this statement only because I have lost the weight or because I have grown and realized that it's not everything.
Now I'm at a point where I'm okay with with myself but I'm possessed to do MORE.

What's this more that I need?  I said to myself I want to wear a two piece bathing suit for our little CNT reunion coming up in a few months.  So I thought to train harder, start going tanning and pick out a 2 piece.  Then I said, Why?  Am I doing it because I am still unhappy with the way I look?  Or I want to be more physically fit?  What am I ultimately trying to prove?  Who am I trying to prove it too?  Haven't I already proven to myself.  I'm just going to let go.  I'm going to remain physically active but lately I've been over the top for purposes of a black void.  I ultimately believe and that's never been myself.  So I'll wear my 2 piece or 1 or whatever and be my pale self and accept.  I've come thus far.  Tyler Durden, fictional or not, says you are not a beautiful unique snowflake, but I think I am.  So,
I said it once, I'll say it again...The technology, the shoes, the designer labels, the lip gloss, the added accessories, the money are all my empty happiness.

I feel I conquered this mountain hole, but I'm going to do it for me, not on a theory of something I feel I should look like (which in all fairness is clouded by everyone's judgement).  Everyone has insecurities, I'm just going to really try and free mine.