"Edge Of The Ocean" --IVY ( One of My Happy Places)

                                                                                   

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

How I Acquired my First NES

I got to reminiscing about old video games and how I came about owning my very first Nintendo.  I wanted one very badly but rules were that I must earn it before just getting it forked over to me.  How it came about was I remember being shy and hating going to religion class and not wanting to go.  The catholic church we went to was a mass that done in English and part in Arabic.  I remember thinking why would God want to hear the same rhetorical things every Sunday.  I think that might of gotten me shunned a little from the others.  So I had questions.  Some religion class.  I didn't want to go any longer.  But my parents wanted me to finish.  My parents presented if I went and finished and made my first communion I would get a Nintendo.  Such bribery.  So like any kid I said I would have to think about this.  I really had to weigh my options here.  I could not go and have nothing to show for it or have a Nintendo and the only person on my street to have one.  As if my parents didn't know what I would do.  I caved.  I wanted that Nintendo.  So I went to Sunday school and did my Hail Mary's and Our Father's and put on the lame little dress and put on the show on. Of course there was a family event afterwards of such accomplishments.  Let me tell you I couldn't wait till everyone was gone so I could get my hands on trying out the Nintendo for the first time.

After that I was never forced again to go to church or Sunday school and my parents where very open to what ever beliefs I would choose later in life and openly showed me other avenues.  Maybe my parents weren't overly concerned with making sure I had religion in my life.  Maybe they where just trying to instill that I follow through with something rather tossing it to the side and getting over the shyness.  Even though I got a Nintendo out of it.

Reflections on Woodstock 99

I can't help but always remember this insane capsule in time.  I'm always asked the same question.  "Was it all worth it?"  My answer is still yes.  I had just turned 19.

I remember the set list being released, and thinking yes indeed it very well could be the end of time if did not make it to the greatest concert to exist that was literally 15 miles from my very home.  I couldn't fathom that the bands I cranked the stereo up to and was repeatedly told to lower that crap down was going to be around the corner from home.  I remember vividly trying to convince my parents to let me see what I thought I lived for.  Rage Against the Machine (my voice for my distaste in political power was coming to crap Rome, NY) I remember my dad shaking his head as if it didn't mattered, did he not understand! Why they would ever come to this hole was beyond my capacity!  Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Offspring, Bush, Metallica, Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers and The Counting Crows.  I insisted on this being a once in a life time event for me to see all my favorite bands all in the same place.  I tried to sell it to them that all my friends are going even both my cousins and the close people I grew up with along with my current boyfriend at the time would all be together.  My sales pitch was a total flop.  My parents didn't want me to go they felt it was unsafe.  I remember the fit I had and not wanting to be around anyone due to being so crushed while that's all everyone was doing was busy buying their tickets and making the big plans and I was being left behind.

So like a stubborn teenager I presented my case to the hardest person to win over.  I pulled the grandfather card.  Which oddly enough was the easiest case to win over.  He already knew that both my cousin's where going and he felt it was only fair that I should go and gave me the money to go.  Let's just say my dad was not pleased at all and that was the last time to pull the gramps card.  Also, the new stipulation for allowing me to go was if I came back home harmed in anyway "Hell was to be paid and I was grounded for life and something like they where not going to deal with it"  Of course in my overly excited mind I'm agreeing to anything at this point..."yea, yea, yea, sure, sure, sure!"  I had yet another obstacle to tackle.  Work!  Because it was so close to the concert date, I had to get the time off from the movie theater.  My boss agreed to me having the days off as long as I showed up for work on July 26th.  Yea, yea, yea, sure!  Score!

I remember arriving there and already vowing not to use the facilities.  Not pretty.  Which I didn't the whole time we were there.  We ended up staying at a friends house around the corner from the base so I would wait till we got there after we had seen all the shows.  The temperatures for the weekend on the base remained in the upper 100's.  They sold bottled water at $8.00 a bottle.  I remember the sun burn I had was almost a purple red.  I hardly drank or ate, who had time for all that.  Clearly young and not thinking.  I was busy running into friends from college on the East side stage before Rage Against the Machine started.  Nothing but an epic time.  Partying up, rocking out like an all-star.
Until the last night and they started the fires and men with riot gear came in and I remember genuinely being scared and thankfully not without much difficulty able to leave.

At this point on July 26th I've kept my part of the bargain and showed up at work and I'm a disaster. I can barely move and I'm having muscle spasms and can barley hold myself up.  My boss unbeknownst to me called my mother to come get me and told me I need to go home and go to the hospital and yes I still had a job.  My thoughts are my father is going to kill me.  My mom takes me to the ER,  she is not happy to say the least and I am told I have suffered severe dehydration.  I was pumped the equivalent of 12 liters of fluids.  My father would not speak to me for two weeks due to my stunt maneuver and lesson learnt.

Dad hated Rage Against the Machine then now I hear him listening to it every now and then and I find it so odd when he used to bang on the bedroom door and yell to turn that junk off.  We have conversations every once in a while over the old Woodstock 99 move and he always asks "Would you still do it all over again, was it worth it?"  I can't help but still say yes.  It was my 19 year old self.  As I watch the footage in retrospect and can imagine what was going through my parents mind as they where indeed probably watching it on pay per view and or on MTV I can relate to my father and mothers disdain for not wanting me to go and why my father was so mad.  Thankfully, my 19 year old self had some common sense and didn't go up to the front of the stage as much as I wanted to and hung out by the MTV cam tower where indeed it was much safer and still got plenty of good views.
My 19 year old self would say something stupid back then like..."I did it all for the nookie"
Some favorites from my 19 year old self.
Nookie (Live @ Woodstock) FULL VERSION

Rage Against The Machine - Bulls On Parade (Live Woodstock 1

Korn - Got The Life - Live Woodstock 1999

Bush - Swallowed - Live Woodstock '99

Metallica Nothing Else Matters Woodstock 1999

Plan of action.....Unknown....

Perspective is a good place.  Sometimes blind faith leads us.  To what I can not say.  The heart over rules logical sense and we are left to clean up the mess we've created.  I pride myself on use of logical sense.  Or my own logical sense.  As if it's a super power the human race is lacking.  I'm having that weak moment of the heart.  Such conflict.  Such rare occurrences.  I find myself humbled by it.  Still.  I find it some how irrelevant.  Playing with emotions.  I loathe how consumed my thoughts have betrayed me.  False, delusions and black holes.  Consumed and unaware of the surroundings of such nothingness.  Time feels like super slow motion.  Yet I remain busy.  What am I purpose to do, be doing?  Don't answer that; I mean you can't answer that any way.  I've been trying to answer this most of my adult life.  Riddled with ambitions, exploration, desires and fears.  What is the key?  I have these things I want to do but am fearful.  I don't like being afraid because that reminds me of being anxious and that to me is not being in the present.
Plan of action.....Unknown....
Disengage from this thought process to commence....immediately....
Till plan becomes known.  If ever.  More clear.  Or never.  Whatever.

Memories Lost?

I was writing in my journal and realized I had a knack of erasing things from my past.  People, events, from my past, as if they never happened.  As if I never look back.  I never do.  I never recall and when I attempt, I honestly can not recall.  When I let go, I've let go and never turn back.  I've even done so with people on a moving forward basis.  A cleansing of the soul of disassociation's. 

I then started to question, is this poor memory?  Or is this an emotional wall, resistance is futile scenario.   I tried to recall things I had no desire of ever reliving but alas they are my past, it is my history.  But I could barely recall, and what I did was only few recollections of not good highlights. Am I that resentful of my own past that there is only now?  With only selective memories?  Is this true of all?  I wonder?  I had some great fond memories.  Where did they go??? But I find that disassociation of that fondness helps in order to move on and forward and no looking back.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm cold as stone but I know that isn't true.  Could I seriously be this blind?  Or maybe this is the greatest mechanism there is?  Hence, my ability to assess the situation cope and deal and move forward and deal and fix any situation and or let go?  OR my greatest downfall?  Is it that bad to not have memories to recall?  Or to have?  It has been driving me mad.  A close friend recently said to me "How can you seriously not remember that?"  I told her if she hadn't reminded me it was if it never existed, I just moved on.  She was blown away.  I guess I'm semi thankful for my backup hard drive friends who do recollect these select memories of my own life I've chosen to erase.

For the very last time?????

This is to the ones I am thankful for the friendships I have where even though we do not talk every day, see each other often, or even cancel plans we never get upset at each other.  Those I value most, I find those are the most accepting of who we actually are and we pick up right where we left off.  I call that maturity and acceptance, instead of self sacrificing who we really are.

Moving on to family across all boards.  Please don't be petty and make this solely about yourselves.  I love family but for as long as I can remember everyone under the sun loves to tell me everything and vent to me.  Maybe it's because I've been the overly compassionate one that always finds the good in people.  I'm truly flattered that you feel that comfortable with me and or you think I'm going to be the mediator for God knows how many years worth of things that has little to do with me but your telling the wrong person except for the one place or person it needs to go.  Out of purest respect for immediate family I tolerate it and they know my limitations.  I'd love nothing more for you all to get it fixed just leave me out.  I just don't know how many times you can possibly convey it and translate it in different ways that:
A)  Not my problem;  it's 33+ years worth of problems that I will never solve, well before my birth
B)  I am my OWN person, I do not participate nor do I care to hear about it in any aspects.  I don't even tolerate this type of drama in the outside world.
C)  No I'm not going to deliver any messages for any parties involved.  Hence my peaceful co-existence with all parties.
Your wasting my precious time every time you bring it up. None of you are willing to reconcile what has already happened so why are you wasting my time?  Your not going to get instantaneous results. Your options are talk about it till your blue in the face and let it all out (not to me), clean the air and work it all out and or clean slate it and move on and never bring it up again and really move on.
That being said I love you.


Muse Panic Station

You won't get much closer
Until you sacrifice it all (-all)
You won't get to taste it
With your face against the wall (-wall, wall)

Get up and commit
Show the power trapped within (-in, in)
Do just what you want to
Now stand up and begin (uh)

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Doubts will try to break you
Unleash your heart and soul (-soul)
Trouble will surround you
Start taking some control (-'trol)

Stand up and deliver
Your wildest fantasy (-'sy, 'sy)
Do what the fuck you want to
There's no one to appe-e-ease

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And this chaos, it defies imagination
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
And I know that you will fight for the duration
Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes
And you know I'm not resisting your temptations
Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives
You've arrived at panic station

Parachutes

I used to have this problem you see...
I used to have this sense of avoidance of certain things that would take me back to a place I just had no desire of reflecting back on.  Lived and learned.  No resentment.  Just something I felt what's done is done, the past can not be rewritten and I have no use for it in this time and place.  To the point, the avoidance factor was some simple things that would sting and would ignite old emotions that would bring me back to that space time continuum.  One of which a song.  I avoided it because I already lived it.  I'm not looking to go back to dwell on negativity or be reminded.  So in my normal routine, apparently the cloud felt the need to re-download the song while I was doing my cleaning, dance party, yes its hilarious, unfazed while it played and I rocked out to it and no old memories came back.
I stopped at the end and realized what just happened gazed around foolishly as if someone was looking at me.  Did this just happen?  So just to be sure I played it a few more times to make sure it wasn't false trickery.  No old memories, So I continued my dance party and rocked out like I owned it.  I now feel the song has an entirely new meaning than it once had.
Take that iTunes.