My Rebellion

Paul Van Dyk - Homage

To all my love sick readers or non,
I typically do this once a year.  My little rebellion against Valentines day.  It's just another day, stop setting expectations that won't or can't always be met.  I refuse to participate even if I had someone to participate with based on the soul facet I refuse to follow our culture in this nonsense behavior.  No, I am not jealous I think romance should continue to exist instead of celebrating it with the herd of people forcing it to happen (based on my relationship and its foundation realistically), which I see typically leads to some sort of misery by the end of the day for some or most.  I tend to hear more complaints about this day due to over expectations time and time again and I constantly keep reinforcing why do you keep setting these over the top Hollywood exceptions on either sides of the spectrum.  It's obviously their relationship and perhaps they are often to close to the fence to see, so why don't they base this day off of their own relationships foundation they built around themselves instead of these false illusions.  MIND BLOWN.
So I just listen.......
In any case... I hate it for its money making agenda, and its cruelty on the mind and of the people who have to endure hearing about it afterwards.
Who wants to be my non valentine?
And to the people who are perfectly content as they are please resume your love sick day.
Find some homage.

Cramping My Style

The obnoxious cold and constant cloud cover is cramping my style.  (that being said, listening to my  headphones, melting under the milky way)  So I'm forced to come up with creative alternate avenues.   I thought about sitting in my warm car looking out the sun roof but that isn't the same (since there seems to be a constant void of nothing above me).  So instead I meditate, listen in doors, exercise or find other release outlets.  I like my old routine better though, I like the subtle reminder of how insignificant we really all are.  It brings pain and perspective and yet I feel more alive when it happens.  I guess it could be considered a little masochistic.  We all have our venting, escape release.  So when I feel that the weight of the world has tapped me on the shoulder,(which it has recently) I like to escape on the grass and grab the headphones and escape listening to my pain bleed out in an orchestra  and stare up into that big huge universe.  As the music wells up inside my soul and pounds in my chest its like a reset button, sometimes there are tears, sometimes I create and write, and of course it's also just the simple reminder that I'm just a small blip on the radar of the massive planet.  Oh and did I mention the simple pleasures in life of just being?  < Sometimes even for myself I feel like a load of crap.  Just saying.  That's probably the world tapping on my shoulder again and me trying to convince myself otherwise.
How's it working out?

Itzhak Perlman Mozart Adagio for Violin and Orchestra

I saw this on Susan Cain's Facebook this morning and enjoyed it very much and felt it was worth the share.  Enjoy.
Good Life Project

My Efforts to Equilibrium

In a very short period of time, I was able to change key things in my life.  I keep seeking for that sense of equilibrium.  Being unemployed has it's challenges, but it has shed some wealth of knowledge upon me.  For example for one I gave up cursing.  It's odd how this starts,  it appears I think socially or culturally, I don't do it around my gramps, work or other relevant places, what purpose does it serve except for making you sound less intelligent? It wasn't hard let's put it that way, but I will say once you do knowingly stop you become more aware of your surroundings and of others and their foul mouths.  I thank you for kindly pointing that out.

Moving on...I have in the past and maybe this has been apart of my ability to escape the drama, or keep some Zen in my life but I forgive and let go and move on.  I think this helps my sanity.  With or without these people in my life.  I can't understand people who feel the need to hold on so tight to things that they need to  beat down on people to make themselves feel better.  If that helps you feel better, beat away, this does not affect me but if it helps you in some way carry on.


My family has gotten a new puppy last month, although old wounds are still fresh, but new memories are being made and welcomed.  Each dog brings some Zen with them.  Something to be learned from a dogs aspect they live in the moment.  They fall asleep so blissfully, they are so trustworthy and love unconditionally.  Tripp was 20lbs when we got him now he's 40lbs still crawling in my lab for nap time.  Just watching him brings peace and quite to the mind.  He is a joy.

I've also started meditating before sleep, I must say sleep like a baby.

I have also deleted all music in my library that isn't going to help me reach my so called equilibrium.  I want my music to match my intellectual levels and tastes, and if it didn't match it now well I have no use for it.  My thoughts were if I have not listened to it in at least 6 months it's a toss or if it wasn't a favorite artist in some way that has stuck with me I wasn't keeping it.  I had music from the distant past and what I call booty poppin' music that I question why do I even have this?  I never listen to this?  Bye, Bye... There is always YouTube if I have a huge desire again.  This is also going in the same direction in my home, getting ride of things I don't use or need.

and I guess sort of the best part, I'm taking classes to get Network + Certified.  I'm looking forward to the classes.  Being challenged and seeing what unfolds.  I am thankful for those I've met and never met and continue to inspire me and share their wealth of knowledge.  Knowledge is truly wonderful.

A River of Words About Me

There are few who actually know me.  Fewer people who understand and get my train of thought.  My likes and dislikes often reflect my range of thinking, which at times I must confess it feels very different than most.  I look at people and things in a totally different light.  I consider myself to be highly compassionate.  I listen intently to everything deeply and feel from it.  People shy away from the abnormal and I embrace it.  The art I like is different than what most like.  I look beyond it, like I could be in another dimension.  I see beauty in the living and the dying.  I'm an eternal optimist and a pessimist.  I guess it doesn't matter if you don't get, it matters that I get it.  I see beauty in most minute things that's why I love macro photography.  When I'm on the ocean it feels like home and I'm alone and at peace.
With my music nothing else exists.  Lost.  Music I feel it coursing, pouring through my veins.  Each sound, even the faintest sounds, blending exquisitely together, each intricate part building up, I'm not here anymore.  The strings to a violin, the deep tones of the piano, space and time are gone.  Wait?  Where was I?
I find logic in almost everything and push through the mess.  Often times I can be judgmental and upfront and more often brutally honest.  My mind can be its own worst enemy when things are bad.  I feel the pain pulsing through my veins.  Everything feels real.  Not everyone has the courage to be themselves.  Breathe.  From sounds to reading everything wells up inside me bursting at the seems.  My moods are built into the music I adore and the feelings I share and the movies I enjoy.  Sometimes it feels like its bleeding.  Understand?  In any given moment when in a crowded room, alone.  Entirely free.  Lost.  Escape.
I feel at home through imagination, through inspiration.  I tend to put peoples needs before my own.  Fields are empty Or are they?  I lack surprise.  I feel pain walking by another.  I don't take risks but deep inside I'm an adventurer, dying to come out.  I stand firm in my beliefs, hard swayed without facts.   I am of my own breed not another even close.  I look into starry nights and the world melts away.  I look at mother nature in every way and see beauty at everything she does, as everything begins and fades away.  My dreams feel real and sometimes decide my moods, I respect the living and the deceased, I feel it all around me.  I'm the total lack of my own demise.  Most people don't have the courage to say, but what does one really have to lose?  I pity people who live without love.  I want to fall in love and believe it still exist but I have learned to never compromise your soul.  People who know me know the surface of me but not the essence of me.  My tolerance for nonsense is non existent  yet I have such great patience.  I sense things that don't belong.  Its eerie to be me.  I cry because I feel and ache at thinking to far into the unknown at times so I bury the demons deeper and deeper.

Superfluous Marlena 4.0.0?

What drives our craving for experiences we've never experienced before?  It seems no matter what we always think about  the grass is greener.   Perhaps in some cases it is.  I have this desire that keeps thriving I can't shake.  We often look outside and see a simple portrait and say I wish I was doing this particular thing, and or that very same individual is saying the same in reversal most often, looking out.  Everything always looks great from the outside.  Is it really though?  I envision myself in several different version.  Marlena 4.0.1,  4.1.1, 4.2.1. All with the same core Marlena just different avenues, desires, dreams and star chasing.  Would it all equate to what and who I am still today?  If I can't shake this longing for desire now does it mean I'm bound to do it and should I follow my instincts?  Or is it just another fad that will pass?  My logical brain argues relentless with my soul that its not illogical or is it just allllll my own lusts and desire overruling my logic?  It seems far from illogical.  So what's the hold up..signs

Emotions Running Amok

Lately my emotions are getting the best of me over things I know I can't control.  Yet I'm thoroughly aggravated and emotionally annoyed by it.  I know there is nothing I can do about these certain situation and yet I dwell and  can not remove them from my head.  (This is for my most current present state, nothing to do with my past, just an FYI ) They keep popping back inside my head and I keep playing out the stupid scenario of did I, or what if's,  did I say this, or should I have done that? And yet I know its all either irrelevant or totally illogical yet I find no matter how busy I am.  BAM it pops into this masochistic mind.  Is it just typical?  I have no clue.  Is it thoroughly annoying?  Absolutely.  Do I wish I could make it stop.  I beg for it.  I blame my caring beating feeble wussy heart.  Sometimes I just pray for that type of self diluted state of emotional separation.  Maybe that dark and twisty side of me is just catching up with me.  Perhaps, not. I put too much value in heart or emotions is going on I guess all in good faith?  I don't know what else to really call it.  Most times I tend to think I'm pretty rational, but lately why am I just caring about things that have very little significance?  Or maybe they do?  How can you even really tell and why is it really getting the best of me at random moments in time?  I put too much value in things in my surroundings.  My emotions run amok and  I always have that deeper sense of connection that probably never exists but only exists in my mind.  Maybe, maybe not...feels like self mutational of emotions personally.  Make it STOP...Seriously....what's wrong with me???  Maybe the lack of sleep that is catching up with me, maybe I just care way to much, maybe I'm way over thinking (shocker).  But I find it curious why I put so much stock into these little things that seem to  mean something to me that normally has very little significance to the majority.  Maybe I just need a holiday in Spain.