Suit of Amor

So I got to thinking about old relationships and how sometimes they can break you, change you for the worse.  You learn from these damaging relationships and move forward, but do we really move forward or do we just bury them so deep that you run at the first sight of them?  I cant help but wonder will we ever not be broken?  When your shield is constantly up how does one let them down? You constantly protect you soul from any outsiders and then someone tries to invade it and it shakes you to the core, so you run.  Feel no emotion when it comes to any type of personal relationship.  How can one person be that fucked up because of other peoples behaviors from the past?

Scars

Funny thing about scars, is your soul is full of them and lucky for yourself they are barried away and you don't have to face them once you have or haven't. But when its a scar on your physical self that brings you to a dark place in your soul it just rips the hole open that much deeper. It's hard trying to hold your soul together when it's been ripped back open especially when so many bandaids have been placed over the wounds. You feel like swish cheese bleeding at the seems. Trying to plug the holes, but there's just too many so you hug your own wounds gasping for your own breathe. You wonder how many more times can you place the already fragile soul back together again.

fabric of our own existance

I wonder if on some unknown level of being that what ever it is that we love or do that our bodies sync and become one.  Even if we aren't actively doing it.  When you get lost in your own world and your body pulses to the very fabric of your own being all the shapes and objects of the world shifts and melt away.  The sounds bleed through your very existence.  It's your own escape for what your actually capable of.  What we all are capable of.  It's weird how the sudden shock or jolt brings you so called back to life of reality and to your surroundings and your blown away that your even where you are at that very moment.

Question Everything

When did everyone start believing everything they are told?

Was it when our government started and people believed that they where being looked out for? Or was it when the pharmaceutical companies decided to push out drugs that harm people for the sake of making billions? Theres more than 500 channels of shit on TV all trying to send some mystical message that, this is how we should be, this is what you need and setting expectations that don't really exist. Infomercials louder to grab your attention. Between wars of news channels, where do you get your news and know its real journalism and not an agenda? Soft drink companies with their money making on bottled water, plastics that contain BPA, or our food that just slowly kill the masses. There is so much garbage out there, where do you start, how do you sift through whats real and whats not? People go with the flow and could careless if they are being poisoned or making themselves believe they need to be something they are not. Its all wrapped into one. One giant mess. There are so many tools we have access too and its crazy that people would rather not know. All the things that are out there are not to benefit you, its to benefit someone bigger than us to get all the dirty money they can get. People would rather close theirs eyes and do what they are told, till something is compromised. What studies prove that Fluoride is good for us? That Soy is good for us, or High Fructose Corn Syrup and Gluten? The mass slaughtering of animals, genetically engineered processes and to keep up with the masses to feed us. All for sheer connivance and for the corporations and the white little lie that its to make our lives easier. No one wants to open their eyes and really take a good look at how and why and is it right or safe, as long as we get it we don't need to know how its done right?

Views of Clarity

So I started contemplating, what ever happened with dating? Hanging out with someone and then dating? Did this term get removed from the dictionary or better yet sixth grade health class? I can only remember a handful of times being asked out on a "normal" date. Everything is so straight forward and lets fast forward and not even engage one another. I cant help but think, was it really so bad long ago before we got all vamped up on technology, cell phones, and being brutally honest without any hesitation. I head down this single road and struggle with the concept is it really all worth it? I cant pin point what has happened down the road that has changed my views and has given me such clarity. Well yes, I probably could but is it because I am more mature or things that have happened? I have just little tolerance for the nonsense and I can see all the BS in between. I see it and I respond to it they way it should be responded too. Sometimes I wish I could still be naive and fall for the nonsense instead of this invisible electric fence that has no emotion one way or another. Does it all really exist? I'm not being pessimistic honestly, I know some great people who have great loves in their life, but is it possible that some people just aren't made for it?

When is it enough?

When is it enough? When is it time to realize that its gone to far? I would think that after several times of being hurt, used, and manipulated that you would think enough is enough. But how can we help those we love when they are not willing to see it for themselves. When they just think you don't understand and you hate them? That you don't know what its like to love someone. But you have nothing in your heart but their wellbeing and good intentions. When its family, you feel like something has been ripped from your heart, your soul. To sit back and watch and feel so helpless. What do you do? What can you do? Nothing, except tell them how you feel. Its heart wrenching, stomache turning sickening to feel so helpless. I can't imagine what it feels like for a parent when its happening, I couldn't do it or bear to watch. It kills me just being a sibling thinking about it as if it where my own. I hope someday that all of those who witness this among themselves realizes there is a team that looks out for one another, no one gets left behind... its called your family.

Time and Guilt Go Hand In Hand

Relationships. They are all taken for granted. Or most of the time you don't realize what you have till it's gone. Or its importance become more apparent when its compromised, or it seems to fade away in what seems like split seconds, it just vanishes. Time like a knife slashes away minute by minute, hour by hour at our lives. Till all you have is nothing but memories. But some of us are blessed with the best memories that no one could ever replace, and some of us where dealt maybe some not so pleasant cards. It never makes any sense at all. I can't help but feel that when you lose something so close to you, you change, all time stops, everything is in slow motion. How do you know when its time to adapt? How do you know when your ready? How do you prepare yourself? Even protect yourself? There is no armor in the world that can rescue us from that misery. We can only hope we have the support we need to deal and heal through the pain. Some people just never get it, and take advantage of their relationships, others value them respect them and go above and beyond for their loved ones and then there are some who just make light of what you say like its no big deal, yet they have no perspective at all what it all means. And no matter how much time you think you have, its never enough, time is a massive illusion and a mental head game. It suddenly seems that ever second has vanished even faster and you start to regret time, time that had you obligated else where or just doing something else, cause that very minute or moment could of bought you some extra time. Time and Guilt go hand in hand. I wish life was kinda like technology. Fix this, replace that, give up this to heal that, but its not. I'd give up a lot of stuff to see my friends and family not have to suffer. Time never seems to slow down when its taken things away from you, especially the important things, and all I can keep thinking about is how can we make it right. What cosmic lessons are to be learned from this? People are often fearless, until the unknown is known.