Things that make you really wonder

Sometimes you gotta wonder if things you ever did in the past ever really mattered or made a difference. And do they still have any lasting effect on any of us? Are people still bitter? Did any of it matter? The left over gift's do they still tell a story? Or are they all lost at sea? It seems that way.  Life seems that way. But every once in a while something takes you back to those memories and makes you really wonder.

It all comes down to this.... Well part of it...

It's finally here.  It's all come down to this test tomorrow.  I must go to Griffis Park at 200pm to take my CompTIA Networking + exam.  80 questions pulled from a pool of 600 and two simulation questions. I feel sick to my stomach to be honest. I feel terrorfied.  This isn't college.  This is real life exam.  Where's the wine??? To go into vast depth of my past and why it means so much would be a pain in my ass.  I've worked so hard to get myself here. Now I'm here.  Now if I don't pass this exam what will this mean to my self worth?  I can't see the option of failing but I cannot predict what lies ahead.  Only that I know I want it so badly and I know I've tried and done my best.  I guess worst case.  I take it over again.  That would be a low blow to my ego considering my past.  Everyone has such high and hopeful expectations of myself and my brain feels like a necular power plant about to burst.  I'm not sure I see what they see... Or maybe I don't want to set my myself up. My fault lies in my frailty that I try to block it all out and be a mute with emotions.  Bahahaha..... Ya huh.

Look At The Stars

This is something I firmly believe in.  I resort to this whenever possible, sometimes even when there is some cloud cover.  All ciaos and noise can be swept away staring up at the big milky starry sky whilst listening to your favorite tunes.  Generally I prefer something climatic, something like Debussy, Mozart, Beethoven, or even something like Murray Gold.  You can just lose all your senses and release what ever bad waves are throw at you and you feel renewed.  Not a whole lot knocks me down, I don’t like negative energy, it wastes too much valuable time but every once in a while we all need to mend it and this is one greatest methods.

Headphones starry night listen.

Headphones starry night listen.
INGRID MICHAELSON -- "Breakable"

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Everyone has insecurities, I'm just going to really try and free mine.

I don't especially care to openly say this but I guess if you where in my life or had know me you would of seen me so what difference does it really all make.  None.  I recently was thinking about what I was doing with my weight loss journey thus far and now what I was trying to prove.  4 years ago I was at an all time over weight for myself and royally unhappy.  Two years ago still over weight but trimmed down somewhat but not thrilled.   I remember my dear friend ordering one of my favorite tee shirts for me.  The Nikon shirt. They asked what size I wanted and I felt so terrible about it.  One shouldn't buy clothes larger than they are to try and conceal themselves it doesn't help. That's what I did.  Now as I pull my favorite tee over my head its more like I'm swimming in it.  Which brings me to what Sheldon states "Is your weight somehow tied into your self worth?"  Well it's quite the logical statement do I agree now with this statement only because I have lost the weight or because I have grown and realized that it's not everything.
Now I'm at a point where I'm okay with with myself but I'm possessed to do MORE.

What's this more that I need?  I said to myself I want to wear a two piece bathing suit for our little CNT reunion coming up in a few months.  So I thought to train harder, start going tanning and pick out a 2 piece.  Then I said, Why?  Am I doing it because I am still unhappy with the way I look?  Or I want to be more physically fit?  What am I ultimately trying to prove?  Who am I trying to prove it too?  Haven't I already proven to myself.  I'm just going to let go.  I'm going to remain physically active but lately I've been over the top for purposes of a black void.  I ultimately believe and that's never been myself.  So I'll wear my 2 piece or 1 or whatever and be my pale self and accept.  I've come thus far.  Tyler Durden, fictional or not, says you are not a beautiful unique snowflake, but I think I am.  So,
I said it once, I'll say it again...The technology, the shoes, the designer labels, the lip gloss, the added accessories, the money are all my empty happiness.

I feel I conquered this mountain hole, but I'm going to do it for me, not on a theory of something I feel I should look like (which in all fairness is clouded by everyone's judgement).  Everyone has insecurities, I'm just going to really try and free mine.

"Edge Of The Ocean" --IVY ( One of My Happy Places)

                                                                                   

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

How I Acquired my First NES

I got to reminiscing about old video games and how I came about owning my very first Nintendo.  I wanted one very badly but rules were that I must earn it before just getting it forked over to me.  How it came about was I remember being shy and hating going to religion class and not wanting to go.  The catholic church we went to was a mass that done in English and part in Arabic.  I remember thinking why would God want to hear the same rhetorical things every Sunday.  I think that might of gotten me shunned a little from the others.  So I had questions.  Some religion class.  I didn't want to go any longer.  But my parents wanted me to finish.  My parents presented if I went and finished and made my first communion I would get a Nintendo.  Such bribery.  So like any kid I said I would have to think about this.  I really had to weigh my options here.  I could not go and have nothing to show for it or have a Nintendo and the only person on my street to have one.  As if my parents didn't know what I would do.  I caved.  I wanted that Nintendo.  So I went to Sunday school and did my Hail Mary's and Our Father's and put on the lame little dress and put on the show on. Of course there was a family event afterwards of such accomplishments.  Let me tell you I couldn't wait till everyone was gone so I could get my hands on trying out the Nintendo for the first time.

After that I was never forced again to go to church or Sunday school and my parents where very open to what ever beliefs I would choose later in life and openly showed me other avenues.  Maybe my parents weren't overly concerned with making sure I had religion in my life.  Maybe they where just trying to instill that I follow through with something rather tossing it to the side and getting over the shyness.  Even though I got a Nintendo out of it.