Time and Guilt Go Hand In Hand

Relationships. They are all taken for granted. Or most of the time you don't realize what you have till it's gone. Or its importance become more apparent when its compromised, or it seems to fade away in what seems like split seconds, it just vanishes. Time like a knife slashes away minute by minute, hour by hour at our lives. Till all you have is nothing but memories. But some of us are blessed with the best memories that no one could ever replace, and some of us where dealt maybe some not so pleasant cards. It never makes any sense at all. I can't help but feel that when you lose something so close to you, you change, all time stops, everything is in slow motion. How do you know when its time to adapt? How do you know when your ready? How do you prepare yourself? Even protect yourself? There is no armor in the world that can rescue us from that misery. We can only hope we have the support we need to deal and heal through the pain. Some people just never get it, and take advantage of their relationships, others value them respect them and go above and beyond for their loved ones and then there are some who just make light of what you say like its no big deal, yet they have no perspective at all what it all means. And no matter how much time you think you have, its never enough, time is a massive illusion and a mental head game. It suddenly seems that ever second has vanished even faster and you start to regret time, time that had you obligated else where or just doing something else, cause that very minute or moment could of bought you some extra time. Time and Guilt go hand in hand. I wish life was kinda like technology. Fix this, replace that, give up this to heal that, but its not. I'd give up a lot of stuff to see my friends and family not have to suffer. Time never seems to slow down when its taken things away from you, especially the important things, and all I can keep thinking about is how can we make it right. What cosmic lessons are to be learned from this? People are often fearless, until the unknown is known.

Stop Chasing and Just Open Your Eyes

My fate leads me in a constant haze of ciaos. I adapt and just try and accept that these are the cards I have been dealt with. Can't stand being an adult. If we could use a get out of jail card in real life I would be the cheater. I would abuse the get out of jail card every time I had to be an adult. The best part we as the adult still play games. Childish games and along with the the foolish lies that we think we are so sneaky at. I look foolishly back at my past in shame and question my lack of judgement. I knew the game, I knew the lies yet I played along. Why didn't I care more about me? Why didn't I continue to be the asshole I was being? I don't want to say I was a total asshole but I'll say I really only concerned about very little and more interested in finally loving and making myself happy. But as life and time flows steadily on, what can one really do? Beat myself down till there is nothing left, why should i give anyone that satisfaction? I wound and tangled myself in this, and now I'm untangling myself. That's all I can do. I finally made it, I made a clean get away. All it takes is one feeling to turn it all around, one realization and it changes everything, every word ever said, everything ever thought, changed. Just simply fall for nothing. Maybe the best and only relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Maybe, its just something none of us are willing to except but honestly is it really all that bad? It's time to stop chasing and just open your eyes.

Anatomy Of A Lie

What makes a liar a liar? What feeds the liar? Is it to see how long you can keep the lie alive? Is it the act of telling the lie? Is it excitement? Is it the sweet excitement of adrenaline rush of the first whisper of a lie and getting away with it? Is it only after you have told the lie for so long that you actually believe that this lie is the truth, you have convinced yourself its reality? Whats evenly far more amazing is when you flat out tell the liar that is in question, "is it this or is it that, I don't care, it doest it bother me", the truth will slightly come out and the lie still continues somehow. I can't deal with lies or scandals. I deal with truth and facts and if they are presented to me I can adapt and cope with them. Whats so hard about that? Your not protecting me, or yourself or anyone for that matter. Damaged goods. Broken. It doesn't make you special because of the different stories that one tells, it just makes you look dumb. The excitement dies, and I pity you. I pity your lack of judgement and lack of honesty for its you who solely lives the lie, it is not I.

Its just who i am, right?

My feelings are simply this. You can sit around bitch and complain to everyone else about how you feel and hope it get back to that one person or you can own up and do it yourself. Or you could own up and take ownership of your own feelings. Since clearly, dispite what you may believe I'm not the almighty keeper of making everyone feel like shit as you seem to think, only you can control how you feel. So I'll leave and make you seem to think you feel better. Sure its easier to point the finger and place the blame on me, its been done for years, keep the tradition up for a tad longer I don't mind. It's much more fun to hurt the one's you love then to actually expose and be honest to the one thats really hurting you most. So as you say I'll take that little burden as I have for years and the blame for its me who has caused everyone to feel like shit there entire lives, me who makes them feel guilty, me who places all the shame. It is I the almighty asshole. I clearly wasn't given the title for nothing. So whatever helps you sleep at night, sure it's my fault all the bullshit has happened, its my fault, i'll deliver allllll the messages, I'll stay away, I'll doo whatever it is you seem to think you want me to do, cause hey, I'm the one who makes EVERYONE feel bad. That's just who I am.

Busy Drones

Being human...signs...life has a way of slapping you in face. You fall, you make mistakes and you bleed. The rare times your not falling, your laughing, you may want to hold on to that. You have responsibilities that you never thought you would have. We dream of things that are considerably out of reach, we reflect back on the past and drudge moving forward. Its a slosh of what feels like crap you have to sift through, that rarely ends up being good stuff. Yet you keep on plugging every day to get one step closer to that good stuff when it used to come so easily. Do you remember being so stressed as a kid? What's the sole purpose for us? We look back remember times so clear of drama and as we get older its all we deal with. What does this life give back to us besides hurdles of non sense just so we can reach that peaceful place we once had. Everything falls apart and everything rebuilds, the world still keeps plugging on without you. I wish there was a control, alt, delete button for our times of bleeding. I get it, we need to, to appreciate the good stuff, but what does it all mean? Does it have to be so hard? Of course it does, it makes you appreciate everything a hole lot more. But I must confess it still feels like we are all just busy drones for a purpose that doesn't necessarily fit our own agenda.

A Race

Funny thing is, isn't life seem or always about some sort of competition? Its always a race. When it comes to love, jobs, friends, hobbies and just about everything? Your driving down the road, its a race. To get that higher postition in your job, its a race. To be more popular, its a race. To find the one you love, its a race. To better yourself, its a race. Life its a messy competition. No wonder we are stressed out to death. I'm guilty as the next.
I guess in this ugly race it's steping up that makes the differance. Seperating yourself from the rest of the crowd and that ugly race. Just step to the side and let them all run past you. I don't care if anyone thinks i'm ugly, cause you don't know me, I dont care if you think you can do it better than me, I know what I'm capabile of, and I dont care if you even want to know me, biggest mistake you'd ever make. But I just don't care, i'm not here to get trampled on in the race to the glorious finish line, id rather step to the side and let you all freely by.

Foul Taste

We have all done things we regret, we learn from them and sometimes when we learn from them, we get really bitter. Bitter inside and that's why we say and do the things we do to protect ourselves. A defense mechanism. We protect ourselves from our true feelings, protect ourselves from really getting hurt, or even letting someone in. Once we have had a FOUL taste in our mouths we instantly shy away from those things. Its exactly like trying foods that we don't like, you stay away from it. Why would we ever go back or do those things again, when they either hurt, suck so bad or taste bad?

Here is the thing I never run and hide, from anyone or anything, and even though we all have our own demons inside, you know those foul tasting things that we never want to deal with or experience again, I never rule them out in the future. Cause maybe, just maybe, one day someone will knock you right off your feet, or anything for that matter, and maybe just maybe down the road you will end up even liking that food you avoided so much. All I know is I wouldn't want to miss out, over something we regret.