I'm Far More Different

You have to stop and wonder what does it really all mean. I have the faintest clue. I wonder if other people look at things or hear things in such great detail as I do. Most of the pictures I take are at such different angels and are taken at such a different perspective. My musical taste is of the strangest. I can hear all the amazing detail and emotion that gets passed, I can feel it course through my veins, I'm lost in a trance. I listen to things that most people take for granted. I smell things that normally people could careless about and as for emotions I feel exactly how they are portrayed and emphasized, when it stings it stings and when its happy, I'm incredibly happy. I notice uniqueness in almost everything. I feel like I can place myself somewhere else completely. I look at the world in an inspiring, emotional way. I see all its beauty and all its shame. Is this of the norm? I have no clue. I feel that I am quite different than the rest of the world. I enjoy the simpler things in life, which no one would believe. Hearing the simply joy of laughter, the piter pater upon my window pane, the leaves falling from the trees, the way the snow so eloquently falls from the delicate sky, the serene way the ocean meets the land, the hum of certain machines, a pure sound of an orchestra which can not be reproduced, I see beauty in mother natures destruction and respect it. I have the deepest compassion for my surroundings, I place myself in others people shoes constantly and am by far the most compassionate person out there and feel so alone and yet at one. But we always want more. I see the beauty in most things and most people, which is a down fall at times. But I am me and that's okay. I struggle to please myself and the rest of the world. I struggle with everything else. Who will I disappoint, what will people think, what if I'm wrong, and why can't I do anything right? I constantly pick up the broken glass which no one notices and even cares about. Just floating avast. What does this say about me? I do not know. I know what I feel and see, and believe I'm far different than any of you...

I'm Excruciatingly Tired

This is a venting blog. I'm venting. I'm tired. Excruciatingly tired. Tired of waiting, tired of school, tired of trying to manage everything and have a moments of piece to myself. Tired of feeling lost. Tired of finding all the answers. I'm tired of always picking up the pieces, and tired of waiting to face the unknown. So tired. Tired of not feeling well. Tired of feeling like I don't have a home of my own. Tired of being 28 with nothing to go on except purses and a wide variety of stuff that will never fill the void. Tired of being alone. I know I have my friends, I love them, they are great. Couldn't live without them. Tired of having nothing to come home too. Tired of having short fuses with people, and that's sooo not who I am. Tired of feeling like the outcast in my own family. Tired of incompetent people. My tolerance is withering to nothing. Mean while all I can think about is me. I feel insanely selfish, saying that. Tired of feeling left behind, more so in life. Tired of daily migranes where I would just love to rip of my skull. Signs. Tired of NY. Tired of holding myself back. I'm so sorry. I'm just soooo tired, signs...

My Dissection Of A Migraine

Migraine's...there's nothing fun about them. I rather have someone punch me, honestly. Migraine's remind me of what I'd like to call the shitty parts of life that we get to deal with. Life is like migraine's, it starts with just a little something, a kink in the shoulder, and just like life dishes out a little problem you try and start to work it out. But then it goes from your shoulders and inches its way up your neck putting pressure on it, just like life's does. Pressure to make decisions, pressure to find whats right, pressure to move forward instead of backwards. So the sore shoulder turns into the sore neck and the migraine progress to your head. The pounding begins, the pressure on the temples and the eyes ache. Just like life. Life makes you ache, makes your head hurt and sends you random chases, random illusions, and pushes you to see through the crud. Most migraine's your just desperate to make it go away, go away like the pain that sometimes life has to offer. And then, then when you finally feel relief from all the pressure life is shiny again. Just like life you have to sift through some of the pain to get some happy shinny moments, that you just hold dear. You grasp them and embrace them not only that you fight for them. Just like the migraines fights to stay with you.

A pointless rut

Lately, more and more I find that what i want seems to be the unattainable item. That item that makes you feel warm inside, makes you feel appreciated, loved, that item that makes you laugh, tries not to let you down, holds you close and doesn't let go, plays with your hair and the list could go on. I call it the unattainable because apparently its to much to ask for. So I'm having a weak moment. A moment where all I want is to have someone special with me to share my happy moments and my messed up moments. Someone who REALLLY gets me. I want to hold hands and share my meaningless thoughts and random ideas and of course my brilliant thoughts as well. Share my joys and excitements. I work, take care of myself, I don't depend on anyone, I'm funny as hell, I'm fun, super caring and go above and beyond but still apparently that's not sufficient enough. I feel late, left behind somewhere. I guess the older generations where more lucky in some aspects. They weren't all about the one night stands but more into real love. Now a days does it even exist? i just want to grow old with someone and it be my only someone forever. So I had a girl moment...so what!

What A Move Did To Me

Sooo I guess this is my official 3rd move. I'm highly not recommending it. Moving sucks. So in light of this 3rd adventure, I got royally pissed of with the simple fact of really how much shit I have actually accumulated. So as I unpack and continue to pack, I call in reinforcements, Crystal and Gage. I'll be real here. I have a love for shoes, clothes, purses and all that jazz but I think I'm finally so fed up with it. How much of it can you possible have and for what? So lucky for me I have a great support group that forced me to do the unthinkable, start sifting and getting ride of what seems to be the endless mass of stuff. It kinda feels like a sudden relief and a sudden sickness all at the same time. The sickness of coming to the rationalization of just how much I have spent money on, and the torment of getting ride of it. The relief feels like a sudden weight has been lifted. All good things come to end? Maybe this is the end of my very obsession. Just trying to make sense of it all. I'm free, I have no huge major responsibilities and yet I waste my very own existence on sheer representation of appearance.

I just don't want to do it any more you know? I don't want to move any more, granted I will have to sometime, I don't want to waste money on foolish things, even though its bound to happen, I don't want to be miserable, I JUST WANT TO ACCEPT. ACCEPT MYSELF. relax and be me. FUCK CLOTHES when I can have an amazing camera which can capture the very essence of my very own life journey and the rest of the world has to offer. That's what I care about. Not clothes, accessories, style. I LIE, i still love it but its time to move on tooo something so much more meaningful. For me.

Denial

The funny thing about lies, is well, how do you know what is real and what is not? Is there a way to decipher a lie? Isn't most of life a giant lie? Is everything a lie? From the moment your a child your told lies, your lied too. Maybe not anything significant but still lies. Santa Clause, Easter bunny, tooth fairy. Everything is bright and shinny and then, then your shaken from what you once believed to be true, to the so called real world without lies that all you have known was a lie. You start to realize life isn't so shinny anymore, people die, people get hurt, people tell horrible lies, things become harder, you fall harder, its harder to pick yourself back up, and when you fall its the simple fact that no one is there to help pick you back up, and still life isn't so shinny.

The hard reality sets in chasing illusions and false hopes, that constantly haunt and torment. You lie to yourself, you lie to me. It's just that easy. One slip. I dream of a day where no more lies would ever exist and life was just as shinny as it once was believed to be, but in this shallow hollow world there is no such hope. Just move forward and accept the lie. Denial, isn't that what we do? We make ourselves believe that it's real. The lie. What ever gets us through the day. Dee-nial. If it wasn't for denial where would we all be. How in the hell would we all get through it all. The mess. This sloppy mess we call life. Denial. We deny whats true to our hearts, we deny our very own existence at times. We bleed, we shed tears that sting and we continue to deny our very own existance. Its simple if we just lie to ourselves to get through the day, if your okay for that brief moment in time then we have done a good job. It makes it that much easier to swallow that bitter pill. No one likes the color white, cause its a lie. A color so simple and pure, nothing in life is so. So I will swallow yet another denial pill to believe that life is simple and pure and we don't live in a wasteland of lies. Life is what you make it, what a slogan, who ever made it was sure as hell in denial. I want to join the denial club. I wonder who the president is, I envy them, just a little any way.

No Huge Life Lesson Here, I Assure You

What an interesting day I tell you. Today was my first day on the phone at work. I only took one call but regardless, was in a total hot sweat. How can that be from someone so out going you ask? No flippin, clue, I couldn't begin to tell you how that happened. I hope I'm cut out for this phone stuff. I mean I felt like an empty box of rocks, I know I'm not but still, felt clueless. So much training and I feel like I have not fully absorbed all the important stuff. That can't be good. In any case, after work, I went tanning, worked my bum off at the gym, which FYI I really didn't want to go tonight, but knew I had to and came home and am now playing on my new love the laptop. I love new things, such as this laptop, new sites like twitter, Pandora Radio is my new found love as well. New things come into your life and some old things leave your life. Hopefully for the better and then there are the things that are old that stay no matter what. There is no particular point in this blog but just a random update and some random thoughts. I'm pretty impressed that I have been going to the gym just about every day since I started going minus a day. Its sometimes hard to go after work I just want to be the super geek I can be and play video games and flop around, but I just convince myself its only for an hour and go, and feel so much better when I'm done. Definitely helps the attitude some what, but for the record, I am a Marron so the sarcasm still lies there.