My Sex and the City Take

I got to thinking... real Carrie Bradshaw like. Its May 30th 2008 the long anticipated wait is finally over. The reunion of the four girls we have grown to love back together on "THE BIG" screen. My planning of "THE BIG" event was like Carrie going on a first date that she was excited about. I shopped till I found the IT dress with all the matching accessories and it hung neatly in the closet till the special day. Like I'm getting married or something...huh...lol... movie joke

In any case, I felt very New York, even though very much upstate. I felt refreshed, for the first time in a while and ready to take the world with all my accessories to go with it. My day was perfect and bright and so was my outfit. I felt like me. I watched American Girl In Paris parts 1 and 2 and relived the excitement, for the umpteenth time, but who's counting.

When I arrive at the theater in my perfect Carrie outfit as i looked around the theater lobby awaiting to be seated I saw all the single girls united for the same reason. As I stand in line I get a fabulous compliment about my perfectly planned outfit and accessories. Of course my shoes where a hit. The movie in my book was eloquently done with a perfect ending. Expectations where high and where met. The single gals quote on quote of course...we all laughed, we cried, well I cried a lot, and felt for our girls and relived the what seemed like yesterday. I couldn't help but wonder will my girls and I get our happy endings as well?

As MR. BIG would say... "abso-fuckin-lutely"

Thank you Tom, for getting our tickets and letting us get "CARRIED AWAY"

My Obsession Has Become My Illness

Is fashion and accessories my obsession or my illness? Is having nice things my happiness or my emptiness? Does the quantity of it all mean more is better and will it ever be enough? Will the void ever really stop and what drives my boredom to this obsession?

I look into a deep, very large closet of all the beautiful garments and accessories and see nothing but a deep sea of emptiness that's never full. Just taunting me. The wonderfully designed purses, all empty with no where to go. The beautifully lined up shoes with no feet in them and no destination. The garments all lovely hung up in a row patiently awaiting their turn to be worn. The make up all set up for the empty blank stare to be a face all made up and all the pretty scents blissfully awaiting their turn to be spritzed to complete the painted picture.

Where and when did my obsession or illness start and why and look where it got me? Still nowhere. The painful reality hits me in waves. What's it going to take to cut the cord from the taunting labels, AE, Dior, Calvin Klein, Cinique, Harvey, D&G, Lacoste, Ralph Lauren, BCBG, Steve Madden and Abercrombie & Fitch that call out to me and make me think this makes up a part of the person I am? How can I separate myself from the labels I have so become accustomed too and love? I feel lost in a sea of labels...

Cruel Practical Jokes

Does anything really matter? I tend to stop and smell the roses every once in a while and remind myself how fragile life is and if I think I got it bad, I was told there is always someone who has it worse. I wonder if any of "this" really matter when I'm gone? I find that people continue to carry on through life's sometimes meaningless or meaningful bullshit. Which says something I think, but does all the fortune and gold really matter when I'm really gone? Does it matter how high I get up the corporate ladder, or what I have accumulated through the years? And just why do people focus on such stuff? Do people really remember the person you had to be in life or do they really remember just WHO you where? I'd like to believe, people would stop and think about who I was rather than just what I have accomplished in life. Those are all nice things and all but it makes me feel like we are STILL in a upper, middle, lower class society. True we are. I find that if someone has passed that I love and or care about I don't look at or dwell or emphasize what they have accomplished and where they where in life but more of what kind of person they where and what kind of impact this person had in my life. Not everything is made perfect, I try to except that, yet I want everything to be perfect. Perfectly protected in a little bubble. But how could one grow from such perfection? And why does it have to suck so much? Of course I think this helps build the person you grow into being. Some times I just hate life for all its cruel practical jokes, but where would i be with out them? Where would any of us be without them?

Loving Yourself or is Cockiness?

I notice more and more just how much (besides myself) people put themselves down. I mean really. Confidence is not only healthy for ones self but it also projects an image of you on to others. I'm no master at this, I have my good days and bad days. but I tend to find if your confident in yourself people see that and respect it. Do people with low self esteem see your confidence in yourself as being cockiness or coincident?
This all started when I was at an unpleasant place, well its unpleasant to me, that someone said "Well don't you look all dolled up and hot today" then I thought to myself wow, why do people say stuff like that? Do I really have to have a reason for this so called dolled up hotness? Does there have to be a reason? Or can I just do it for myself? If you know me, then you know I chose the last one. MYSELF. I simply replied back with a pleasant smile and said "That's absolutely right I am." and the reaction I got was in fact the one I had predicted...the aren't we all cocky look. They don't have to even say it because I can see it all over their face, but I say this for peace of mind for them and to myself of course. "I tell him its not cockiness, its acceptance and love for ones self."
Like I said we have our good days and our bad days, but my god, the good days that do come around you bet your ass I'm going to run with them and be so called "cocky" and if you feel good about yourself why should you shy away from saying so? Be proud of who you are. Realistically, I can't say I do this for myself everyday I doubt any one can, thats why I say good days and bad days. It can't hurt though. Go ahead be "cocky"

I'm Not Wearing Any Armor

Sunshine and warm weather is the replacement drug for Zoloft. I love those feelings when your totally utterly alone with no place to go, no where to be, nothing is expected of you and its wonderfully warm out, the sun beating upon your face and you could be driving listening to that song that just makes you feel like YOU. Or that cute outfit you have been dying to finally wear out. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Nothing. The guy that cut you off and gave you the finger, he's nobody you just smile and keep on singing and bouncing along and wave happily.

I love the fact that if your a secure enough person you can go out to dinner or to a movie with no armor on to shield the fact that your alone. Just you. There is something so lifting in all aspect of just something as simple as nice weather. Suddenly, you are spending quality time with yourself. You. Seems like we can be our own worst enemy's at times but who can be more your best friend than yourself? Your inner self, the child in you, the adult in you, its okay to bounce and run through the field, its okay to smile at something silly and its okay to be upset and its definitely okay to not have your cell phone, computers and friends to shield us.

What Did Cavemen Do? ? ?

I got to thinking are we really better off? ? ? At one time cavemen had a need for wisdom teeth now we don't...there just isn't enough room in our mouths anymore. Cavemen ate much healthier food, now we eat on the go fatty foods with chemicals in them to preserve them. Cavemen never had cars, now we have expensive gas prices, and last but not least...cavemen sure as hell did not have technology.

To get to the point. We have alll these neat little things that are supposed to so-called better our lives and make them easier, but do they really? I mean seriously accelerated tanning, computers (can't believe I'm even saying that), chemicals in our food and drinks, gas, cell phones, flip flops, blue tooth, medical technology and the list can go on. My point here lies...I love technology and my eyes are being punished for it. They say everything in moderation, but in a world that's moving at lightning speeds how can you really? It a shitty thought to think that the thing or things you love to do only end up essentially hurting you.

Judgements

I often wonder to myself, is it really a bad trait to have more faith in others and to believe that people can change? Or believe that because it's not the normal circumstances that it can't be real? I have extraordinary amount of patience with people I believe. I am apparently the most forgiving and believing person in the world I guess. People can shit on me left and right and yet I'll be pissed at you and then shrug it off. Because I will stop and think to myself is it really worth being upset about and writing you out of my life? I think not. I mean I do have a barrier, people have crossed this barrier and know exactly what my so called wrath is like, but if I do forgive them it's a one chance deal.
I know two wrongs don't make a right. But I just can't believe whether it's something to do with life, love, friends, family or not, that events, people, past and present cant change people. I just don't believe the phrase history repeats itself to the fullest. Maybe it does, but then maybe, just maybe there's that something knocks you off your feet and changes you. That's what I believe. Life is trial an error...is it not? I just feel with my experience (what little or more I may have) and what I have been accustomed too, that if it was something bad I'd get that feeling I always do, but seriously I just dont believe I'm really that naive. As much as I want to be hopeful and optimistic, I'm also a realist. People who know me, know that I don't deal well with the sugar coated lies and that I can base a valid decision on the truth. Yea, the truth sucks. I ask nothing less but the truth. But when I make my decision off the truth I know and can admit if it's a bad one, because it's based off of truth whether it's a good choice or bad choice. Even soo, I believe with everyone and their life choices I'm the least judgy person and I try my hardest to be there.