Love and Loss

Sleep eludes me. I have this ache in my heart that's twisting my insides apart.  It's called love and loss. Love does crazy things to you.  Time does crazy things to you.  Absence does crazy things to you.  You wonder if your own memory is its own self mutilation.  You think of the beginning, the fun, the crazy, then how we thought we were going mad, and the good times and then theres the end.  Your own worst enemy.  Your memories on rewind, over and over again, jolting you, reminding you, just jabbing at you.  As if you didnt already know.  As if your feeble mind wasn't already aware of the absense and daily reminders that it also wants to pay visits in your restless nights.  Or at any chance it wants to sneak up. The mind is a dangerous place, if one lingers too long in the dark.  I keep thinking to myself of happier times, but sometimes the happier times get the better of me and rip the air from my lungs and I feel crippled and empty at knowing nothing really is forever on earth. But I know they are forever in our hearts.  That's were they remain.  Dealing with loss, any type is not simple, there is no quick resolution, but there are some nice distractions that help us get by even for just a little while.

A Love Stunt Maneuver

Went for a stroll on a Saturday afternoon with my father and our dog Indy. Its then I realized just some of what we are capable of when it comes to pure love.  You sacrifice yourself without hesitation.  Then there are moments when your heart skips a beat so fast for you to even notice it has happened for the ones you love.  Its true for anything.  I realized some of my passion just so for our family dog.  Went walking along on a trail, he got stuck on the side of a cliff.  Struggling to get up, I had my Nikon D80 with me without hesitation I practically removed it and nosed dived down the cliff to save my pup only for him to end up making it on his own and me holding on to a tree root from not nose diving the rest of the way.  In tears of my Indiana Jones maneuver, I realized I didn't care of the sacrifice that could of taken place or the risks only what had to be done. Didn't care if I was okay, or about the camera, just about Indy.  Scary none the less.  Love takes all forms and leads you down all sorts of paths.  But real love never makes you hesitate, and as for our pets they love you unconditionally.  We do this for our counterparts as well.  Love should never be blind, and time is a gift.

Labor Day...

Well Labor day was quite chillax and that was fine by me.  Spent the day with family and friends.  The weather was perfect for a nice cook out.  It reminded me of fall, which is defiantly right around the corner.  There was a nice breeze which I snatched a near by hoodie and relaxed and had lots of great laughs with my loved ones.  It's time like that when everyone is together to appreciate the smallest things.  Days off, warm cool breezes,  cook outs, smiles, dogs begging for food, and the near by hoodie to snatch.

The Pillars

As we go through this thing called life the people who help mold and shape and build the foundation's of our  paths,  I call them the pillars.  We all a few or several pillars.  For myself, I can count my pillars on one hand.   I cherish all of them immensely.  I hope they all realize that in my actions.  Life sometimes feels like a snow globe.  The snow is lax and settled to the bottom and everything is routine and familiar and than time and reality sneaks up on you and shakes the snow globe and whispers in your ear that nothing is forever and your heart aches and before it even happens a piece of you feels as if you've begun to die.  I hate the fear it brings, the unknown but I know that I would never regret anything I've ever done because I've known my heart was right where it belonged all along.  The mental head game it brings, the clocks slashing away the minutes, the seconds and its all a massive joke.  What's it really all about? Every millisecond here is a gift.  The ones we love.  I find myself in a routine based on what is for others and not always for myself and I stop and question well if not for me then who right now?  Is that little extra time for someone else going to hurt me if it makes them happy?  The answer I almost find is always no and the end result is almost always the right one.  The constant ciaos all the noise of bullshit I separate myself from is quite simple I have no time for it, there is no room for it so why let it ruin you.  Lots of time I feel like running for shelter, sometimes I'm not even sure what point I'm trying to make.  But I know that they are pillars for me and I hope I can instill that some where down the line and be as amazing.

Suit of Amor

So I got to thinking about old relationships and how sometimes they can break you, change you for the worse.  You learn from these damaging relationships and move forward, but do we really move forward or do we just bury them so deep that you run at the first sight of them?  I cant help but wonder will we ever not be broken?  When your shield is constantly up how does one let them down? You constantly protect you soul from any outsiders and then someone tries to invade it and it shakes you to the core, so you run.  Feel no emotion when it comes to any type of personal relationship.  How can one person be that fucked up because of other peoples behaviors from the past?

Scars

Funny thing about scars, is your soul is full of them and lucky for yourself they are barried away and you don't have to face them once you have or haven't. But when its a scar on your physical self that brings you to a dark place in your soul it just rips the hole open that much deeper. It's hard trying to hold your soul together when it's been ripped back open especially when so many bandaids have been placed over the wounds. You feel like swish cheese bleeding at the seems. Trying to plug the holes, but there's just too many so you hug your own wounds gasping for your own breathe. You wonder how many more times can you place the already fragile soul back together again.

fabric of our own existance

I wonder if on some unknown level of being that what ever it is that we love or do that our bodies sync and become one.  Even if we aren't actively doing it.  When you get lost in your own world and your body pulses to the very fabric of your own being all the shapes and objects of the world shifts and melt away.  The sounds bleed through your very existence.  It's your own escape for what your actually capable of.  What we all are capable of.  It's weird how the sudden shock or jolt brings you so called back to life of reality and to your surroundings and your blown away that your even where you are at that very moment.