A pointless rut

Lately, more and more I find that what i want seems to be the unattainable item. That item that makes you feel warm inside, makes you feel appreciated, loved, that item that makes you laugh, tries not to let you down, holds you close and doesn't let go, plays with your hair and the list could go on. I call it the unattainable because apparently its to much to ask for. So I'm having a weak moment. A moment where all I want is to have someone special with me to share my happy moments and my messed up moments. Someone who REALLLY gets me. I want to hold hands and share my meaningless thoughts and random ideas and of course my brilliant thoughts as well. Share my joys and excitements. I work, take care of myself, I don't depend on anyone, I'm funny as hell, I'm fun, super caring and go above and beyond but still apparently that's not sufficient enough. I feel late, left behind somewhere. I guess the older generations where more lucky in some aspects. They weren't all about the one night stands but more into real love. Now a days does it even exist? i just want to grow old with someone and it be my only someone forever. So I had a girl moment...so what!

What A Move Did To Me

Sooo I guess this is my official 3rd move. I'm highly not recommending it. Moving sucks. So in light of this 3rd adventure, I got royally pissed of with the simple fact of really how much shit I have actually accumulated. So as I unpack and continue to pack, I call in reinforcements, Crystal and Gage. I'll be real here. I have a love for shoes, clothes, purses and all that jazz but I think I'm finally so fed up with it. How much of it can you possible have and for what? So lucky for me I have a great support group that forced me to do the unthinkable, start sifting and getting ride of what seems to be the endless mass of stuff. It kinda feels like a sudden relief and a sudden sickness all at the same time. The sickness of coming to the rationalization of just how much I have spent money on, and the torment of getting ride of it. The relief feels like a sudden weight has been lifted. All good things come to end? Maybe this is the end of my very obsession. Just trying to make sense of it all. I'm free, I have no huge major responsibilities and yet I waste my very own existence on sheer representation of appearance.

I just don't want to do it any more you know? I don't want to move any more, granted I will have to sometime, I don't want to waste money on foolish things, even though its bound to happen, I don't want to be miserable, I JUST WANT TO ACCEPT. ACCEPT MYSELF. relax and be me. FUCK CLOTHES when I can have an amazing camera which can capture the very essence of my very own life journey and the rest of the world has to offer. That's what I care about. Not clothes, accessories, style. I LIE, i still love it but its time to move on tooo something so much more meaningful. For me.

Denial

The funny thing about lies, is well, how do you know what is real and what is not? Is there a way to decipher a lie? Isn't most of life a giant lie? Is everything a lie? From the moment your a child your told lies, your lied too. Maybe not anything significant but still lies. Santa Clause, Easter bunny, tooth fairy. Everything is bright and shinny and then, then your shaken from what you once believed to be true, to the so called real world without lies that all you have known was a lie. You start to realize life isn't so shinny anymore, people die, people get hurt, people tell horrible lies, things become harder, you fall harder, its harder to pick yourself back up, and when you fall its the simple fact that no one is there to help pick you back up, and still life isn't so shinny.

The hard reality sets in chasing illusions and false hopes, that constantly haunt and torment. You lie to yourself, you lie to me. It's just that easy. One slip. I dream of a day where no more lies would ever exist and life was just as shinny as it once was believed to be, but in this shallow hollow world there is no such hope. Just move forward and accept the lie. Denial, isn't that what we do? We make ourselves believe that it's real. The lie. What ever gets us through the day. Dee-nial. If it wasn't for denial where would we all be. How in the hell would we all get through it all. The mess. This sloppy mess we call life. Denial. We deny whats true to our hearts, we deny our very own existence at times. We bleed, we shed tears that sting and we continue to deny our very own existance. Its simple if we just lie to ourselves to get through the day, if your okay for that brief moment in time then we have done a good job. It makes it that much easier to swallow that bitter pill. No one likes the color white, cause its a lie. A color so simple and pure, nothing in life is so. So I will swallow yet another denial pill to believe that life is simple and pure and we don't live in a wasteland of lies. Life is what you make it, what a slogan, who ever made it was sure as hell in denial. I want to join the denial club. I wonder who the president is, I envy them, just a little any way.

No Huge Life Lesson Here, I Assure You

What an interesting day I tell you. Today was my first day on the phone at work. I only took one call but regardless, was in a total hot sweat. How can that be from someone so out going you ask? No flippin, clue, I couldn't begin to tell you how that happened. I hope I'm cut out for this phone stuff. I mean I felt like an empty box of rocks, I know I'm not but still, felt clueless. So much training and I feel like I have not fully absorbed all the important stuff. That can't be good. In any case, after work, I went tanning, worked my bum off at the gym, which FYI I really didn't want to go tonight, but knew I had to and came home and am now playing on my new love the laptop. I love new things, such as this laptop, new sites like twitter, Pandora Radio is my new found love as well. New things come into your life and some old things leave your life. Hopefully for the better and then there are the things that are old that stay no matter what. There is no particular point in this blog but just a random update and some random thoughts. I'm pretty impressed that I have been going to the gym just about every day since I started going minus a day. Its sometimes hard to go after work I just want to be the super geek I can be and play video games and flop around, but I just convince myself its only for an hour and go, and feel so much better when I'm done. Definitely helps the attitude some what, but for the record, I am a Marron so the sarcasm still lies there.

Stop Worrying About The Would Of, Could Of, Should Of's

So here's the thing, as I move forward in life I find more and more everything happens for a reason. Every choice you make, whether it be a good one or not, ends up being a good choice. Why you ask. Because if your an intelligent enough of a person, then I assume you have learned from it and have gained a wealth of knowledge from it that you could of never gained otherwise and I truly believe that your smart enough to know that it was never a bad choice and to let it go. I never said that some decisions are just plain shitty, you know they are wrong but regardless you still learned something from it.
I feel so much better about life, even though most of the time its not always a pleasant place to experience things. It's all about perception, accepting reality for all its worth, and realizing whats real and whats not and just understanding the important things and mainly loving you and accepting. There are so many things you cant control so you go with it and make the best and realize that you cant control it no matter how much you want too and then there are the few things you are in control of, take charge of those few choices and don't look back at the would of, could of, should of's, because you did what you did, accept that and understand why you did what you did. There is only one possible direction you can go and its forward.

My 25th Birthday Part 3 LIfe Lesson

It is now a new month. A new month with new beginnings. Hopefully happy ones. In with the good. Lots of new stuff going on in the land of Miss. Marron. New goals. Maybe even new dreams. For starters, I have a new job obviously, my 25th birthday the trilogy is around the corner and yet I don't feel any different. I hope wiser, but not different.

I find now with what I have learned is I appreciate and enjoy lots of little things, more so than the huge things that I thought at one point where so much more important. For example today, I went to the beach with my uncle, cousin and sister. Then I met one of my most beloved friends at the coffee shop and just chatted away and even got to see a photo studio. I was in total awe of all the beautiful photos and all their beauty. Something so simple. Who ever said its the small things in life obviously knew what they where talking about. I think for my age, I learned that fairly early on. I cherish simple moments that just may be over looked, like the way my dog just insists on leaning on you while you pet him, or how my cat thinks no one is home and meows like someone left her behind, or how my sister makes so many faces just like mine, or how funny my other sister really is, or the things that my dad said to me that are so simple but will never leave me, and my moms home cooked meals. Just little things like playing golf with my grandfather. Or even something just as small as the mother nature and all her beauty in itself, maybe a car ride, a simple text message, a half hour visit or a phone call is priceless. I cherish these things, these priceless moments because one day there will be no more and I would rather have millions and millions of these moments than toys and accessories. My 25th birthday part 3 life lesson.

Pushing

So I'm at the gym, on the elliptical, steadily pumping away, lost in a sea of scattered thoughts that come and go in my head. Some enjoyable and some I wish would of never entered my mind... but still I continue pumping away never skipping a beat, blankly starring off in the distance. Rationally thinking, and some irrational thinking. I start thinking where the drive comes in to keep going, to keep pumping away. Am I making myself do it, or is it a subconscious habitually survival instinct that just keeps us all going? Our inner drive. In most situations I suppose i would of never even gave it a second thought but I just kept wondering why I'm still pushing, pushing myself to that finish line and then I started thinking about people and their emotions and their feelings and how people can mentally or verbally beat each other up and how anger just brews away making it bigger and bigger when really the problem was probably smaller than a dime. I miss the days when I had no clue what hurtful things really meant. Why do people feel they need to express themselves in such foolish ways. Can't you think before you speak? Or is the lack of caring that doesn't prevent you from saying every stupid thing that pops into ones head? Or is the wiring bad upstairs and that's the sad excuse for your miserableness for you to take such small meaningless things out on people? What ever there deal is. Its not a good enough excuse to drive people away and frankly that's what I believe will come down to in the end. I think that if you push hard enough, you'll succeed in pushing them away. One day there will be nobody to push away anymore. Sad but true. I don't think it is at all about what you did, or what I did, or he did or she did or what any of them didn't do. Does it matter? In life do we really all tally it up? I guess if your the person that tally's stuff up in the end, no matter what your tally is it will always being larger than mine. I hate holding on to bitter feelings. They do nothing but make you a sad bitter person who may in fact wind up being the tallier in the end.