Judgements

I often wonder to myself, is it really a bad trait to have more faith in others and to believe that people can change? Or believe that because it's not the normal circumstances that it can't be real? I have extraordinary amount of patience with people I believe. I am apparently the most forgiving and believing person in the world I guess. People can shit on me left and right and yet I'll be pissed at you and then shrug it off. Because I will stop and think to myself is it really worth being upset about and writing you out of my life? I think not. I mean I do have a barrier, people have crossed this barrier and know exactly what my so called wrath is like, but if I do forgive them it's a one chance deal.
I know two wrongs don't make a right. But I just can't believe whether it's something to do with life, love, friends, family or not, that events, people, past and present cant change people. I just don't believe the phrase history repeats itself to the fullest. Maybe it does, but then maybe, just maybe there's that something knocks you off your feet and changes you. That's what I believe. Life is trial an error...is it not? I just feel with my experience (what little or more I may have) and what I have been accustomed too, that if it was something bad I'd get that feeling I always do, but seriously I just dont believe I'm really that naive. As much as I want to be hopeful and optimistic, I'm also a realist. People who know me, know that I don't deal well with the sugar coated lies and that I can base a valid decision on the truth. Yea, the truth sucks. I ask nothing less but the truth. But when I make my decision off the truth I know and can admit if it's a bad one, because it's based off of truth whether it's a good choice or bad choice. Even soo, I believe with everyone and their life choices I'm the least judgy person and I try my hardest to be there.

Time

I couldn’t help but wonder how time works exactly. It’s with us where ever you go. It can haunt you, it can make you eager to look forward, it can feel as if all time has stopped, it can make you feel early or late, sad or happy. Time and emotions, can be a tragic game. You know that moment where everything is just so blissful and delightful and everything seems so right and perfect you wish you could just freeze frame the entire events? And then there’s the moments when awful things happen to you like when you care about someone so much and you loose them or big tragic events that it simply feels like time has suddenly gone into slow motion and everyone around you is moving at lightening speed? I’m pretty sure you do know what I’m talking about and if you don’t I’m sorry for being far to philosophical....eh...no I’m not. I just remember certain moments in my life where I wish all time would stop and I could keep that moment forever. Just hold on to it for dear life. I guess that’s why they are called memories. You hold them dear to your heart. Then there are the times where awful things happened and all I could reflect on where going back. Back to the beginning. Where everything was okay and blissful and analyzing the hell out of it to see just which way it turned wrong or just so I could relive them blissful moments.

I guess that helps us learn from the bad and be grateful for the good. But it also teaches us just how much we take for granted every day. When I lost someone recently I cared a great deal about I couldn’t help but to constantly look to the beginning over and over again. Every memory, every moment, every conversation, and the laughs the sad times and it felt all so real. Like it was all still there, you just dwell on them. Remember that slow motion thing I said earlier, yeah, this is where it starts. Everything is still moving forward and your stuck in the past, reliving pieces of your past, while time, time is still making the future. There’s a point for all of us where we have all been stuck there and then there are also the moments where we are all ready to come out of slow motion and return to real time and try and look happily into the future. I find that life is what you make it. You can either be in real time, or live in the past. You can’t predict the future. You can only hope you have gained and learned and continue to learn and seek good things and hope the future is brighter one. I am an optimist. People claim that people can’t change. Someone used to constantly try and tell me that. I never once believed it. As I look into the past and to the present of what they said I can see just how full of shit that foolish statement really is. I know how down and out feels and I tend to hang out once in awhile in the slow motion aspect of time, but god I love those moments where I pick myself up and come back to real time.

...all I know is I’m an OPTIMIST.

Critical thinking

I never once thought that it would be easy going through life and its experiances. Well maybe I did at one time. Probably when I was eight. I say this because people every day look around them and see other people and think how wonderful it must be to be them and yet they have no idea what their battles are. It amazes me how critical the human mind really is. We look around at other people from the outside and go "look how happy, or look how easy there relationship looks, or look at how sucessful they are" and we literally have no clue what there own personal struggles are. I think it can help drives us or can break us. If you remove yourself from your surrounds and just listen and look without any real information you might say that indeed they have it all. But really we all have our own struggles and battles we all deal with daily. I listen to my close friends complain about the same things I complain about and its just odd to me hearing some of what is said. I had to take a step back and listen for example, I have a friend who I think is amazing. She is in my opinion quite pretty. I look at her and go "wow, wish i could look like that" and yet as she continues on with her own insecurities as i do with mine, and I begin to realize she has her own hidden battles she deals with. I often wonder the mens point of view on their own hidden battles. I feel ashamed to say that us girls have so much pressure on us to be a certain way, look a certain way , or even think a certain way. Its hard. Do guys have as many insecurities as we do? Do they think... "holy shit, i gotta wax my brows, get my hair done, shave my legs, do i have an ingrown hair? Oh my god, I gotta get to the gym, Im so fat I have to lose weight, do i have cellulite?" I mean thats just some of what goes on in our heads, can you imagine what we are thinking when it comes to life and careers? I don't doubt men have insecurites, but maybe looking outside it looks so easy. I just try to ground myself and accept that life has flaws at every turn. I try to not beat myself up over things, im not going to lie its hard, but even the Christain Dior models have insecurites right? :)

You know what i think is sad?

When the 27yr old(god i cant believe i said that out loud) acts more like an adult than people in the 40's, 50's and 80s. My family makes me crazy. Everyone is too proud to put aside their bullshit meaningless differances and just value and respect and enjoy having an actual family( WHO IS STILL ALLL ALIVE AND WELL), instead of alienating and pushing away people because of different views or thoughts and lifestyles.
Only after they are gone, or someone becomes ill, they will sit back and go "huh, wish things where different." Seriously, all i care about is being with the people I love. Does anything, any faults they may have, I may have, and bills, any other worrys really matter? ? ? ? ? No! No one wants to feel left out, no one wants to be alone. I will not have any regrets whats so ever. Because at least i can set aside all the bullshit insecurities and nonsence to say no matter what I LOVE THEM and I should not, SHOULD NOT have to decide ever, where i should be. There is no choosing sides to family. THATS WHY ITS CALLED FAMILY. All i want for christmas, is to NOT HAVE TO BE THE ADULT, AND MY ENTIRE FAMILY be in the same goddamn room with no judgement and set aside their bullshit. WHICH IT IS ALL TOTAL BULLSHIT. you have ONE...not two...not three...ONE REAL FAMILY. One family who will always be there for you, one family that is your own blood and as close to you as you can ever get. So for christmas for godfucking sake can I please have everyone love and respect each other even if its one day? it might kill ya why dont you just try and do it. Cause out of everyone...I put aside everyone's and i mean everyones bullshit and equally love them with out skipping a beat.

Evolving from change

There are so many up's and down's, sudden jerks in life I do beleive it's what makes you the person you are or will become. For more than five years I do believe that my life was anything but ordinary. I hated life in every single aspect, but just now within the past two years, I have learned so much about who I really am, that I have started to not only begin to love myself but appreciate life more.
I used to feel like I couldn't obtain the things I wanted in life or accomplish certain goals, I constantly put "someone" before myself and selling myself short. I hated waking up in the morning, I hated trying to sleep, the constant worrying and wondering. I hated happy people and I hated sad people and I hated the feeling of emptyness inside to the poing where I could be vertually any where....and weather it be the laughter, the dancing, the sadness, all around me and yet I'd feel so removed from where I was that I felt as if i where an enigma.
For several years I was convinced it was all me. For several years I allowed to be blinded by blinders and believe this is allll that life offered to me. For years I convinced myself that I needed and loved what and who I had. And now I have evloved to a better person not so blinded after all.
I have learned within two years that no matter how comfortable a situation might be, or how long it has been going on, or that change is too scary cause what would it be like with or without someone or changing jobs, changing careers, moving, or just letting go of someone you know just doesnt fit for you(and some of you know that deep down that he or she just isnt right for you; why do you insist on wearing blinders?). CHANGE IS AMAZING. You survive. You live. You learn from it and yet you still go on. To let something finally go, to make that leap of change, that you know deep down you should of done early on is so more poetic and feels like a rush of relief and fresh air swept over you. Things begin to smell better. Taste better, feel better, sleep better. The endless worry nights seems to vanish and your mind begins to finally relax. Like the way the ocean meets the land. Why is it that people are soo afraid of change? Why do we constantly sell our selves short from what we deserve and can aquire? Can it really be that bad? I say no. I say love change, change is what helps you grow and become the person you shall become. I hope to never stop changing. I say own up to yourself, to your own feelings because they are your feelings and you owe it to yourself to not alway sacrafice your soul for what you know in your heart is wrong for you. The moment it comes you know it has to change. Why cast aside what you feel or know? Cause you'll find 3yrs, 5yrs, 7yrs will pass and your only hurting yourself and im pretty sure others as well. Love change. There is nothing more new and exciting to explore than yourself. Finally start loving you.

What are they seriously thinking?

What happened with guys being shy around girls, ethics and at least some class??? I would really like to know. I'm tired of meeting men, if that's what you would like to call them and instead of them trying to be nice and maybe even lieing a bit to you to at least get to hang out with you, they just by pass all that and come right out with it? Frankly, I'm not sure if i perfer the honesty or the lies better. It's just so bold. And the cell phone has become the devils tool!!! Goddamn technology with pic, and video sending. I dont want to see that shit. You can only imagine, not going to get into details. But seriously why even see the girl now when you can appearently attempt it via phone? Freakin perverts.lol
Frankly guys, get some class will you. What ever happened to wooing us?
enough said.

Could they seriously make any more excuses up?

I do believe that Valentines day is seriously the worst possible holiday, if you honestly want to call it a holiday. All it does is generate retarded amounts of money spent on useless shit to give to your significant other. A day to show how much your care...just on one day? Do you know by any chance how retarded that just sounds? If your sooo in love with your significant other why dont you show how you care every day??? Instead of one stupid day where you buy crap that you either eat or dies in a week, why isn't valentines day every day? Its all rigged to keep the economy going and to make society believe false illusions. I do not hate this holiday because I do not have a significant other, I hate this holiday for the very reason that people justify and cave into such false illusions thrown into their faces. showing you love and care about someone on one retarded day, setting up expectations that can't be met and or wasting your time and money as well.
Love is a connection that you share with someone one that you should celebrate everyday cause you never know whats going to happen tomorrow or how long it will last. You should cherish one another everyday and not waste time on jewerly and chocolates to prove your love. I also hate how it makes people feel when they dont have someone in their life currently. I guess that could go along with then people are depressed and low self esteem which in turn still helps the economy cause now they are buying anti depressants. Pharmacuticals companys...ahhh...thats another topic.....Why dont they just have a bullshit day called "Happy Singles day" where all the singles just buy useless crap to exchange! There's another way to make more money and ram what corporate giants and advertisments down your throat. This marketing stratagy and holiday is just a very sad excuse if you ask me.