Its just who i am, right?

My feelings are simply this. You can sit around bitch and complain to everyone else about how you feel and hope it get back to that one person or you can own up and do it yourself. Or you could own up and take ownership of your own feelings. Since clearly, dispite what you may believe I'm not the almighty keeper of making everyone feel like shit as you seem to think, only you can control how you feel. So I'll leave and make you seem to think you feel better. Sure its easier to point the finger and place the blame on me, its been done for years, keep the tradition up for a tad longer I don't mind. It's much more fun to hurt the one's you love then to actually expose and be honest to the one thats really hurting you most. So as you say I'll take that little burden as I have for years and the blame for its me who has caused everyone to feel like shit there entire lives, me who makes them feel guilty, me who places all the shame. It is I the almighty asshole. I clearly wasn't given the title for nothing. So whatever helps you sleep at night, sure it's my fault all the bullshit has happened, its my fault, i'll deliver allllll the messages, I'll stay away, I'll doo whatever it is you seem to think you want me to do, cause hey, I'm the one who makes EVERYONE feel bad. That's just who I am.

Busy Drones

Being human...signs...life has a way of slapping you in face. You fall, you make mistakes and you bleed. The rare times your not falling, your laughing, you may want to hold on to that. You have responsibilities that you never thought you would have. We dream of things that are considerably out of reach, we reflect back on the past and drudge moving forward. Its a slosh of what feels like crap you have to sift through, that rarely ends up being good stuff. Yet you keep on plugging every day to get one step closer to that good stuff when it used to come so easily. Do you remember being so stressed as a kid? What's the sole purpose for us? We look back remember times so clear of drama and as we get older its all we deal with. What does this life give back to us besides hurdles of non sense just so we can reach that peaceful place we once had. Everything falls apart and everything rebuilds, the world still keeps plugging on without you. I wish there was a control, alt, delete button for our times of bleeding. I get it, we need to, to appreciate the good stuff, but what does it all mean? Does it have to be so hard? Of course it does, it makes you appreciate everything a hole lot more. But I must confess it still feels like we are all just busy drones for a purpose that doesn't necessarily fit our own agenda.

A Race

Funny thing is, isn't life seem or always about some sort of competition? Its always a race. When it comes to love, jobs, friends, hobbies and just about everything? Your driving down the road, its a race. To get that higher postition in your job, its a race. To be more popular, its a race. To find the one you love, its a race. To better yourself, its a race. Life its a messy competition. No wonder we are stressed out to death. I'm guilty as the next.
I guess in this ugly race it's steping up that makes the differance. Seperating yourself from the rest of the crowd and that ugly race. Just step to the side and let them all run past you. I don't care if anyone thinks i'm ugly, cause you don't know me, I dont care if you think you can do it better than me, I know what I'm capabile of, and I dont care if you even want to know me, biggest mistake you'd ever make. But I just don't care, i'm not here to get trampled on in the race to the glorious finish line, id rather step to the side and let you all freely by.

Foul Taste

We have all done things we regret, we learn from them and sometimes when we learn from them, we get really bitter. Bitter inside and that's why we say and do the things we do to protect ourselves. A defense mechanism. We protect ourselves from our true feelings, protect ourselves from really getting hurt, or even letting someone in. Once we have had a FOUL taste in our mouths we instantly shy away from those things. Its exactly like trying foods that we don't like, you stay away from it. Why would we ever go back or do those things again, when they either hurt, suck so bad or taste bad?

Here is the thing I never run and hide, from anyone or anything, and even though we all have our own demons inside, you know those foul tasting things that we never want to deal with or experience again, I never rule them out in the future. Cause maybe, just maybe, one day someone will knock you right off your feet, or anything for that matter, and maybe just maybe down the road you will end up even liking that food you avoided so much. All I know is I wouldn't want to miss out, over something we regret.

I'm Far More Different

You have to stop and wonder what does it really all mean. I have the faintest clue. I wonder if other people look at things or hear things in such great detail as I do. Most of the pictures I take are at such different angels and are taken at such a different perspective. My musical taste is of the strangest. I can hear all the amazing detail and emotion that gets passed, I can feel it course through my veins, I'm lost in a trance. I listen to things that most people take for granted. I smell things that normally people could careless about and as for emotions I feel exactly how they are portrayed and emphasized, when it stings it stings and when its happy, I'm incredibly happy. I notice uniqueness in almost everything. I feel like I can place myself somewhere else completely. I look at the world in an inspiring, emotional way. I see all its beauty and all its shame. Is this of the norm? I have no clue. I feel that I am quite different than the rest of the world. I enjoy the simpler things in life, which no one would believe. Hearing the simply joy of laughter, the piter pater upon my window pane, the leaves falling from the trees, the way the snow so eloquently falls from the delicate sky, the serene way the ocean meets the land, the hum of certain machines, a pure sound of an orchestra which can not be reproduced, I see beauty in mother natures destruction and respect it. I have the deepest compassion for my surroundings, I place myself in others people shoes constantly and am by far the most compassionate person out there and feel so alone and yet at one. But we always want more. I see the beauty in most things and most people, which is a down fall at times. But I am me and that's okay. I struggle to please myself and the rest of the world. I struggle with everything else. Who will I disappoint, what will people think, what if I'm wrong, and why can't I do anything right? I constantly pick up the broken glass which no one notices and even cares about. Just floating avast. What does this say about me? I do not know. I know what I feel and see, and believe I'm far different than any of you...

I'm Excruciatingly Tired

This is a venting blog. I'm venting. I'm tired. Excruciatingly tired. Tired of waiting, tired of school, tired of trying to manage everything and have a moments of piece to myself. Tired of feeling lost. Tired of finding all the answers. I'm tired of always picking up the pieces, and tired of waiting to face the unknown. So tired. Tired of not feeling well. Tired of feeling like I don't have a home of my own. Tired of being 28 with nothing to go on except purses and a wide variety of stuff that will never fill the void. Tired of being alone. I know I have my friends, I love them, they are great. Couldn't live without them. Tired of having nothing to come home too. Tired of having short fuses with people, and that's sooo not who I am. Tired of feeling like the outcast in my own family. Tired of incompetent people. My tolerance is withering to nothing. Mean while all I can think about is me. I feel insanely selfish, saying that. Tired of feeling left behind, more so in life. Tired of daily migranes where I would just love to rip of my skull. Signs. Tired of NY. Tired of holding myself back. I'm so sorry. I'm just soooo tired, signs...

My Dissection Of A Migraine

Migraine's...there's nothing fun about them. I rather have someone punch me, honestly. Migraine's remind me of what I'd like to call the shitty parts of life that we get to deal with. Life is like migraine's, it starts with just a little something, a kink in the shoulder, and just like life dishes out a little problem you try and start to work it out. But then it goes from your shoulders and inches its way up your neck putting pressure on it, just like life's does. Pressure to make decisions, pressure to find whats right, pressure to move forward instead of backwards. So the sore shoulder turns into the sore neck and the migraine progress to your head. The pounding begins, the pressure on the temples and the eyes ache. Just like life. Life makes you ache, makes your head hurt and sends you random chases, random illusions, and pushes you to see through the crud. Most migraine's your just desperate to make it go away, go away like the pain that sometimes life has to offer. And then, then when you finally feel relief from all the pressure life is shiny again. Just like life you have to sift through some of the pain to get some happy shinny moments, that you just hold dear. You grasp them and embrace them not only that you fight for them. Just like the migraines fights to stay with you.

A pointless rut

Lately, more and more I find that what i want seems to be the unattainable item. That item that makes you feel warm inside, makes you feel appreciated, loved, that item that makes you laugh, tries not to let you down, holds you close and doesn't let go, plays with your hair and the list could go on. I call it the unattainable because apparently its to much to ask for. So I'm having a weak moment. A moment where all I want is to have someone special with me to share my happy moments and my messed up moments. Someone who REALLLY gets me. I want to hold hands and share my meaningless thoughts and random ideas and of course my brilliant thoughts as well. Share my joys and excitements. I work, take care of myself, I don't depend on anyone, I'm funny as hell, I'm fun, super caring and go above and beyond but still apparently that's not sufficient enough. I feel late, left behind somewhere. I guess the older generations where more lucky in some aspects. They weren't all about the one night stands but more into real love. Now a days does it even exist? i just want to grow old with someone and it be my only someone forever. So I had a girl moment...so what!

What A Move Did To Me

Sooo I guess this is my official 3rd move. I'm highly not recommending it. Moving sucks. So in light of this 3rd adventure, I got royally pissed of with the simple fact of really how much shit I have actually accumulated. So as I unpack and continue to pack, I call in reinforcements, Crystal and Gage. I'll be real here. I have a love for shoes, clothes, purses and all that jazz but I think I'm finally so fed up with it. How much of it can you possible have and for what? So lucky for me I have a great support group that forced me to do the unthinkable, start sifting and getting ride of what seems to be the endless mass of stuff. It kinda feels like a sudden relief and a sudden sickness all at the same time. The sickness of coming to the rationalization of just how much I have spent money on, and the torment of getting ride of it. The relief feels like a sudden weight has been lifted. All good things come to end? Maybe this is the end of my very obsession. Just trying to make sense of it all. I'm free, I have no huge major responsibilities and yet I waste my very own existence on sheer representation of appearance.

I just don't want to do it any more you know? I don't want to move any more, granted I will have to sometime, I don't want to waste money on foolish things, even though its bound to happen, I don't want to be miserable, I JUST WANT TO ACCEPT. ACCEPT MYSELF. relax and be me. FUCK CLOTHES when I can have an amazing camera which can capture the very essence of my very own life journey and the rest of the world has to offer. That's what I care about. Not clothes, accessories, style. I LIE, i still love it but its time to move on tooo something so much more meaningful. For me.

Denial

The funny thing about lies, is well, how do you know what is real and what is not? Is there a way to decipher a lie? Isn't most of life a giant lie? Is everything a lie? From the moment your a child your told lies, your lied too. Maybe not anything significant but still lies. Santa Clause, Easter bunny, tooth fairy. Everything is bright and shinny and then, then your shaken from what you once believed to be true, to the so called real world without lies that all you have known was a lie. You start to realize life isn't so shinny anymore, people die, people get hurt, people tell horrible lies, things become harder, you fall harder, its harder to pick yourself back up, and when you fall its the simple fact that no one is there to help pick you back up, and still life isn't so shinny.

The hard reality sets in chasing illusions and false hopes, that constantly haunt and torment. You lie to yourself, you lie to me. It's just that easy. One slip. I dream of a day where no more lies would ever exist and life was just as shinny as it once was believed to be, but in this shallow hollow world there is no such hope. Just move forward and accept the lie. Denial, isn't that what we do? We make ourselves believe that it's real. The lie. What ever gets us through the day. Dee-nial. If it wasn't for denial where would we all be. How in the hell would we all get through it all. The mess. This sloppy mess we call life. Denial. We deny whats true to our hearts, we deny our very own existence at times. We bleed, we shed tears that sting and we continue to deny our very own existance. Its simple if we just lie to ourselves to get through the day, if your okay for that brief moment in time then we have done a good job. It makes it that much easier to swallow that bitter pill. No one likes the color white, cause its a lie. A color so simple and pure, nothing in life is so. So I will swallow yet another denial pill to believe that life is simple and pure and we don't live in a wasteland of lies. Life is what you make it, what a slogan, who ever made it was sure as hell in denial. I want to join the denial club. I wonder who the president is, I envy them, just a little any way.

No Huge Life Lesson Here, I Assure You

What an interesting day I tell you. Today was my first day on the phone at work. I only took one call but regardless, was in a total hot sweat. How can that be from someone so out going you ask? No flippin, clue, I couldn't begin to tell you how that happened. I hope I'm cut out for this phone stuff. I mean I felt like an empty box of rocks, I know I'm not but still, felt clueless. So much training and I feel like I have not fully absorbed all the important stuff. That can't be good. In any case, after work, I went tanning, worked my bum off at the gym, which FYI I really didn't want to go tonight, but knew I had to and came home and am now playing on my new love the laptop. I love new things, such as this laptop, new sites like twitter, Pandora Radio is my new found love as well. New things come into your life and some old things leave your life. Hopefully for the better and then there are the things that are old that stay no matter what. There is no particular point in this blog but just a random update and some random thoughts. I'm pretty impressed that I have been going to the gym just about every day since I started going minus a day. Its sometimes hard to go after work I just want to be the super geek I can be and play video games and flop around, but I just convince myself its only for an hour and go, and feel so much better when I'm done. Definitely helps the attitude some what, but for the record, I am a Marron so the sarcasm still lies there.

Stop Worrying About The Would Of, Could Of, Should Of's

So here's the thing, as I move forward in life I find more and more everything happens for a reason. Every choice you make, whether it be a good one or not, ends up being a good choice. Why you ask. Because if your an intelligent enough of a person, then I assume you have learned from it and have gained a wealth of knowledge from it that you could of never gained otherwise and I truly believe that your smart enough to know that it was never a bad choice and to let it go. I never said that some decisions are just plain shitty, you know they are wrong but regardless you still learned something from it.
I feel so much better about life, even though most of the time its not always a pleasant place to experience things. It's all about perception, accepting reality for all its worth, and realizing whats real and whats not and just understanding the important things and mainly loving you and accepting. There are so many things you cant control so you go with it and make the best and realize that you cant control it no matter how much you want too and then there are the few things you are in control of, take charge of those few choices and don't look back at the would of, could of, should of's, because you did what you did, accept that and understand why you did what you did. There is only one possible direction you can go and its forward.

My 25th Birthday Part 3 LIfe Lesson

It is now a new month. A new month with new beginnings. Hopefully happy ones. In with the good. Lots of new stuff going on in the land of Miss. Marron. New goals. Maybe even new dreams. For starters, I have a new job obviously, my 25th birthday the trilogy is around the corner and yet I don't feel any different. I hope wiser, but not different.

I find now with what I have learned is I appreciate and enjoy lots of little things, more so than the huge things that I thought at one point where so much more important. For example today, I went to the beach with my uncle, cousin and sister. Then I met one of my most beloved friends at the coffee shop and just chatted away and even got to see a photo studio. I was in total awe of all the beautiful photos and all their beauty. Something so simple. Who ever said its the small things in life obviously knew what they where talking about. I think for my age, I learned that fairly early on. I cherish simple moments that just may be over looked, like the way my dog just insists on leaning on you while you pet him, or how my cat thinks no one is home and meows like someone left her behind, or how my sister makes so many faces just like mine, or how funny my other sister really is, or the things that my dad said to me that are so simple but will never leave me, and my moms home cooked meals. Just little things like playing golf with my grandfather. Or even something just as small as the mother nature and all her beauty in itself, maybe a car ride, a simple text message, a half hour visit or a phone call is priceless. I cherish these things, these priceless moments because one day there will be no more and I would rather have millions and millions of these moments than toys and accessories. My 25th birthday part 3 life lesson.

Pushing

So I'm at the gym, on the elliptical, steadily pumping away, lost in a sea of scattered thoughts that come and go in my head. Some enjoyable and some I wish would of never entered my mind... but still I continue pumping away never skipping a beat, blankly starring off in the distance. Rationally thinking, and some irrational thinking. I start thinking where the drive comes in to keep going, to keep pumping away. Am I making myself do it, or is it a subconscious habitually survival instinct that just keeps us all going? Our inner drive. In most situations I suppose i would of never even gave it a second thought but I just kept wondering why I'm still pushing, pushing myself to that finish line and then I started thinking about people and their emotions and their feelings and how people can mentally or verbally beat each other up and how anger just brews away making it bigger and bigger when really the problem was probably smaller than a dime. I miss the days when I had no clue what hurtful things really meant. Why do people feel they need to express themselves in such foolish ways. Can't you think before you speak? Or is the lack of caring that doesn't prevent you from saying every stupid thing that pops into ones head? Or is the wiring bad upstairs and that's the sad excuse for your miserableness for you to take such small meaningless things out on people? What ever there deal is. Its not a good enough excuse to drive people away and frankly that's what I believe will come down to in the end. I think that if you push hard enough, you'll succeed in pushing them away. One day there will be nobody to push away anymore. Sad but true. I don't think it is at all about what you did, or what I did, or he did or she did or what any of them didn't do. Does it matter? In life do we really all tally it up? I guess if your the person that tally's stuff up in the end, no matter what your tally is it will always being larger than mine. I hate holding on to bitter feelings. They do nothing but make you a sad bitter person who may in fact wind up being the tallier in the end.

Larger than Life

In the hopes of enlightenment and growth I couldn't help but wonder, just how we all got caught up in this race. The race to the questionable finish line, and why do we want to get there so badly. Isn't half the fun getting there? We all want to speed up and rush to the end. The end of what? I often fantasize what it would be like to finally get that whole school thing past me, or what it would of been like if I where never distracted by so called love from my past and really grab ahold of school and where I would or currently be in life. Would I be any further ahead? Would I be any wiser? Would I still have made the same choices? I think to myself I just can't wait to get on with my life. Well, shouldn't I be looking at getting "in" my life instead of going past all the stuff to get to that so called "on" with my life? Someone recently told me, I'm looking at all the negatives. He is so right. I should be enjoying the fact that I'm bettering myself going to school, and that I got a new job. I should be looking at it as something good instead of just another shitty stepping stone to what I want to have.

I feel like I'm the Empire State building putting me in another city would just be so wrong. I hope you get my drift. The new job, I was looking at quite questionably. Like thinking just about how much I'm dooming myself into hating yet another meaningless task to perform for which I care nothing about. But then I decided to grab ahold of my choice and look at it head on that this could be a potential good thing in moving forward. Well in my eyes no matter what we move forward. Good and bad. This could be good or could be bad. The Empire State building wants to go in looking good and classy. Hey, she had to be built somewhere fabulous!

The needs of the many and maybe the one?

It's absolutely funny how somethings can change so quickly. It boggles my mind how we all go through changes. Some quickly, some slower. I find I hesitate. I hesitate a lot when it comes to my blogs. Speaking how I truly feel about some situations. I do this due to my nature. My good nature. I feel that I am the almighty bigger person, that I would not break the barriers of trust, that I do not resent, that its not nearly close to being a big enough issue to waste my fragile time on such minute things. I would never get up and walk away, I would never hurt anyone intentionally and when I'm serious, I always say what I mean and I could never lie.

(frankly I'm fucking horrible at it...just ask anyone)

I find that some people just inspire me, some distract me, some make me happy, more annoy me, some need me, others upset me and they sure as hell don't understand me. I'm fascinated by why certain people come into my life. Hopefully I gain some wealth of knowledge with the new experiances. I often think they need an amazing person like me. It's okay, and if it is the case, I'm even more happy if I am the person to turn too. I had yet another purpose. There are a true few I know I need. Special people who have touched me and have guided me in certains ways besides my family, and I cherish you all, you know who you are, but just the rest of the time I feel that they simple need me. My compassion, my willingness to understand, my reasoning for outrageous claims, acts, and behaviors, my absolute compassion to understand and care like no other. Tick, tock, Tick, tock....yes my friend time...ticking away. Time reminds me. I feel if I have come into someones life, they should feel blessed. There may be no better friend, lover to have. Consequences, breaking points, and ice breakers are always around the corner. My choices are like no other choices I have ever made before and I sure as hell never give up on a good thing.

Chasing Illusions or Life?

It's complicated. If I could deconstruct all of life I would. Id tare apart the layers of every aspect on its long and winding adventures and everyone I love and their endeavors. I can't help but wonder where life is just taking me. I feel an overwhelming amount of cloudiness. Just patiently waiting, trying, calling, tugging, pulling in any direction to find that I only go...fuck? Do i really want to do this? Where am I going? I want to find my niche in life. But everything still feels questionable. I want to be apart of something that makes me feel at least apart of it, like me.

As I beat my brain to a bloody pulp wondering why some people just got there niche, their calling, fallen into something, I wonder what is mine. Wasting mass amounts of time fighting with myself "what should I be doing" when other people are just fighting to live. I sound so selfish and resent it. Wondering about what? Stuff in the end, that does not define me in the end? Stuff that frankly has no particular meaning. Just bullshit.

If you can imagine this, I left my purse in a restaurant, my stomache instantly sank, my heart throbbed, and there was a huge rush of anxiety..."oh, my god, my wallet, oh my god, my ZUNE, oh my god, my camera, credit cards." I start to sweat...I called they have my purse. I rush like a crazy mad woman just to have that bag back in my hands. Then, it hits me. I'm alive right? Nothing bad has happened to me or anyone I love right? Its just a purse with belongings. Yea it would suck, losing my soooo called identity and favorite pieces of technology but I had a total nervous break down about items and things I can always get again...while people continue to struggle to hold onto the very essence of life itself. So foolish. Wish it hit me while I carelessly drove 80miles an hour just to retrieve it while being so careless with my own life over a bag and some items I love. Instead of chasing after life, we chase after the dollar, the prize, and the goods and most of the time the things that mean nothing, I want to chase after something real in life.

My Current Situation through Photography

So...so...being very much jobless scrambling around in hopes I find the "IT" thing for me to slave away into, I can't stop obsessing more and more about photography. Every where I look, I see the next possible shot. I love hearing that famous line "oh i wish I had my camera" and I gleefully pull out my trusty Canon PowerShot. I grin ear to ear. As I happily look through the eyepiece or strategically place my camera in some odd position I find myself getting lost into the camera and my surroundings knowing a great man once told me "Bring your camera with you every where." I feel totally serene listing to the clicks and tick and the mechanical sounds of the auto focus adjusting to what could be my next shot of the week. I find myself in lots of boring situations and find myself deep in thought fantasizing and coming up with brilliant ways I would like to capture "LIFE" on film. Not so much film any more but memory card. Smirks.

Also being jobless has made me realize my love for it even more so. So I had to give up some stuff. My obscene shopping habits and my love for purses and the rest of my useless shit obsessions that amount to nothing in the end. I was okay with that. It really burned my ass and it sucks but I was okay. But at least I could reason that a camera captures life, parts of my life all along the road, my camera is forever linked to capturing my life. Then when the unthinkable happened, I thought one of my most beloved computer parts (THE CARD READER) almost died on me, I was ready to throw the towel in. If the common link to bring my photos to life where taken away, and thinking about not using a camera, broke my total will. I don't think I have cried that hard in my life. But thankfully in my broken state...ha ha get it? Broken, Broke...state, I pulled it together and got it to work and that's when it hit me! What if I where stripped of everything I think I need. Cellphone....oh god it would be hard, I admit this, but I would gladly throw it in the trash for an SLR or just to hold onto my camera if it where the only thing I could have. Purses? Ehhh...another toughie, what would I carry my fabulous camera around in? Still give it up for the camera. Your aware of my obsessions, and I would trade them all for another shot of "LIFE".

Life at this current moment makes my dream of an SLR seem far across the pacific. Just not in a place or time to get one. I can accept that. So for now, I will go down the path I'm meant to go down, to learn some meaningful lesson and continue to love my little Canon Powershot that will help capture my life lesson and know that it never once let me down.

BORED, BORED, BORED I Say

I find that lately I shy away from REALLY saying what I'm thinking. I'm not quite sure when this little thing happened. I pretty much always say exactly what I think. About anything. Virtually ANYTHING. I don't hold back. I refuse to sugar coat life and or any advise someone may ask me for. Someone has to be the one to be the realist and if its someone I definitely care about then I refuse even less to sugar coat the white lies. But there is just something lately that just makes me be agreeable for the sake of....of...having to listen or to deal with the challenge of the white lies.
Lately I'm just plain bored of everything. BORED, BORED, BORED....bored of going out, bored of cleaning, bored of running, bored of reading, bored of playing video games, bored of shopping, bored of all the drama including my own, bored of sleeping and eating....bla, bla, bla...I'm even bored of this very blog. The one thing I may not be bored with is my dear Canon PowerShot A560. Never lets me down.

I'm not sure if this sudden boredom is from being very much jobless. But it sucks. I hate the fact that we go to work like good little soldiers, and all we can think about most of the time is going home. Well now, I'm home, and all I kinda want to do is work? WHAT THE HELL DO PEOPLE WANT TO RETIRE FOR???? This is sheer, agony. Rubbish. I HATE WORK, I HATE NOT WORKING.

I dream of one day being a very fashionable kinda gal...(wait I already am) well still a fashionable kinda gal, that blogs all day about exciting adventures and life through the eyes of her camera. Never in one place for long and always has her handy cam and fabulous purse at her side.


Ahhh... why can't that be the American Dream?

Memories The Tears Are Worthy For

I casually wipe the tears from my eyes in such disgust. I find myself more than highly irritated with several situations. I'm disgusted with life's unforgiven and cruel lessons. I find that life is so fragile, cruel, and unforgiving, that i wipe another tear away in such disgust. I find that all the bullshit minuscule things to complain about are pointless in the big scheme of things. I find that life teaches us all bullshit lessons the cruel way, as I wipe yet another tear away in such disgust, and I can't understand why there are these lessons and why do they happen to good people? I find the things I worry about are all meaningless puzzle pieces for me to only learn some hard lesson in the end. How can life be so bright and amazing and so damn cruel at the same time? I get it. Appreciate the small things, the good things, all that. But how many times do you have to relive it? I feel I look at life and people at different angles, like any good camera would. I look at the bright and the dark, the unconditional love and I wont say hate but dislikes, the forgiven and the unforgiven, the conquest and the lost ones, up and shitty downs, the familiar and the unfamiliar and I wipe another tear away in such disgust. My passion and patience is in such a fragile state. I feel like I have never been here before kicking around just trying to get out. These tears are not for the cruel and the pity but for my loved ones. Images of memories burned into memory, into heart, into love for those are memories the tears are worthy for.

My Sex and the City Take

I got to thinking... real Carrie Bradshaw like. Its May 30th 2008 the long anticipated wait is finally over. The reunion of the four girls we have grown to love back together on "THE BIG" screen. My planning of "THE BIG" event was like Carrie going on a first date that she was excited about. I shopped till I found the IT dress with all the matching accessories and it hung neatly in the closet till the special day. Like I'm getting married or something...huh...lol... movie joke

In any case, I felt very New York, even though very much upstate. I felt refreshed, for the first time in a while and ready to take the world with all my accessories to go with it. My day was perfect and bright and so was my outfit. I felt like me. I watched American Girl In Paris parts 1 and 2 and relived the excitement, for the umpteenth time, but who's counting.

When I arrive at the theater in my perfect Carrie outfit as i looked around the theater lobby awaiting to be seated I saw all the single girls united for the same reason. As I stand in line I get a fabulous compliment about my perfectly planned outfit and accessories. Of course my shoes where a hit. The movie in my book was eloquently done with a perfect ending. Expectations where high and where met. The single gals quote on quote of course...we all laughed, we cried, well I cried a lot, and felt for our girls and relived the what seemed like yesterday. I couldn't help but wonder will my girls and I get our happy endings as well?

As MR. BIG would say... "abso-fuckin-lutely"

Thank you Tom, for getting our tickets and letting us get "CARRIED AWAY"

My Obsession Has Become My Illness

Is fashion and accessories my obsession or my illness? Is having nice things my happiness or my emptiness? Does the quantity of it all mean more is better and will it ever be enough? Will the void ever really stop and what drives my boredom to this obsession?

I look into a deep, very large closet of all the beautiful garments and accessories and see nothing but a deep sea of emptiness that's never full. Just taunting me. The wonderfully designed purses, all empty with no where to go. The beautifully lined up shoes with no feet in them and no destination. The garments all lovely hung up in a row patiently awaiting their turn to be worn. The make up all set up for the empty blank stare to be a face all made up and all the pretty scents blissfully awaiting their turn to be spritzed to complete the painted picture.

Where and when did my obsession or illness start and why and look where it got me? Still nowhere. The painful reality hits me in waves. What's it going to take to cut the cord from the taunting labels, AE, Dior, Calvin Klein, Cinique, Harvey, D&G, Lacoste, Ralph Lauren, BCBG, Steve Madden and Abercrombie & Fitch that call out to me and make me think this makes up a part of the person I am? How can I separate myself from the labels I have so become accustomed too and love? I feel lost in a sea of labels...

Cruel Practical Jokes

Does anything really matter? I tend to stop and smell the roses every once in a while and remind myself how fragile life is and if I think I got it bad, I was told there is always someone who has it worse. I wonder if any of "this" really matter when I'm gone? I find that people continue to carry on through life's sometimes meaningless or meaningful bullshit. Which says something I think, but does all the fortune and gold really matter when I'm really gone? Does it matter how high I get up the corporate ladder, or what I have accumulated through the years? And just why do people focus on such stuff? Do people really remember the person you had to be in life or do they really remember just WHO you where? I'd like to believe, people would stop and think about who I was rather than just what I have accomplished in life. Those are all nice things and all but it makes me feel like we are STILL in a upper, middle, lower class society. True we are. I find that if someone has passed that I love and or care about I don't look at or dwell or emphasize what they have accomplished and where they where in life but more of what kind of person they where and what kind of impact this person had in my life. Not everything is made perfect, I try to except that, yet I want everything to be perfect. Perfectly protected in a little bubble. But how could one grow from such perfection? And why does it have to suck so much? Of course I think this helps build the person you grow into being. Some times I just hate life for all its cruel practical jokes, but where would i be with out them? Where would any of us be without them?

Loving Yourself or is Cockiness?

I notice more and more just how much (besides myself) people put themselves down. I mean really. Confidence is not only healthy for ones self but it also projects an image of you on to others. I'm no master at this, I have my good days and bad days. but I tend to find if your confident in yourself people see that and respect it. Do people with low self esteem see your confidence in yourself as being cockiness or coincident?
This all started when I was at an unpleasant place, well its unpleasant to me, that someone said "Well don't you look all dolled up and hot today" then I thought to myself wow, why do people say stuff like that? Do I really have to have a reason for this so called dolled up hotness? Does there have to be a reason? Or can I just do it for myself? If you know me, then you know I chose the last one. MYSELF. I simply replied back with a pleasant smile and said "That's absolutely right I am." and the reaction I got was in fact the one I had predicted...the aren't we all cocky look. They don't have to even say it because I can see it all over their face, but I say this for peace of mind for them and to myself of course. "I tell him its not cockiness, its acceptance and love for ones self."
Like I said we have our good days and our bad days, but my god, the good days that do come around you bet your ass I'm going to run with them and be so called "cocky" and if you feel good about yourself why should you shy away from saying so? Be proud of who you are. Realistically, I can't say I do this for myself everyday I doubt any one can, thats why I say good days and bad days. It can't hurt though. Go ahead be "cocky"

I'm Not Wearing Any Armor

Sunshine and warm weather is the replacement drug for Zoloft. I love those feelings when your totally utterly alone with no place to go, no where to be, nothing is expected of you and its wonderfully warm out, the sun beating upon your face and you could be driving listening to that song that just makes you feel like YOU. Or that cute outfit you have been dying to finally wear out. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Nothing. The guy that cut you off and gave you the finger, he's nobody you just smile and keep on singing and bouncing along and wave happily.

I love the fact that if your a secure enough person you can go out to dinner or to a movie with no armor on to shield the fact that your alone. Just you. There is something so lifting in all aspect of just something as simple as nice weather. Suddenly, you are spending quality time with yourself. You. Seems like we can be our own worst enemy's at times but who can be more your best friend than yourself? Your inner self, the child in you, the adult in you, its okay to bounce and run through the field, its okay to smile at something silly and its okay to be upset and its definitely okay to not have your cell phone, computers and friends to shield us.

What Did Cavemen Do? ? ?

I got to thinking are we really better off? ? ? At one time cavemen had a need for wisdom teeth now we don't...there just isn't enough room in our mouths anymore. Cavemen ate much healthier food, now we eat on the go fatty foods with chemicals in them to preserve them. Cavemen never had cars, now we have expensive gas prices, and last but not least...cavemen sure as hell did not have technology.

To get to the point. We have alll these neat little things that are supposed to so-called better our lives and make them easier, but do they really? I mean seriously accelerated tanning, computers (can't believe I'm even saying that), chemicals in our food and drinks, gas, cell phones, flip flops, blue tooth, medical technology and the list can go on. My point here lies...I love technology and my eyes are being punished for it. They say everything in moderation, but in a world that's moving at lightning speeds how can you really? It a shitty thought to think that the thing or things you love to do only end up essentially hurting you.

Judgements

I often wonder to myself, is it really a bad trait to have more faith in others and to believe that people can change? Or believe that because it's not the normal circumstances that it can't be real? I have extraordinary amount of patience with people I believe. I am apparently the most forgiving and believing person in the world I guess. People can shit on me left and right and yet I'll be pissed at you and then shrug it off. Because I will stop and think to myself is it really worth being upset about and writing you out of my life? I think not. I mean I do have a barrier, people have crossed this barrier and know exactly what my so called wrath is like, but if I do forgive them it's a one chance deal.
I know two wrongs don't make a right. But I just can't believe whether it's something to do with life, love, friends, family or not, that events, people, past and present cant change people. I just don't believe the phrase history repeats itself to the fullest. Maybe it does, but then maybe, just maybe there's that something knocks you off your feet and changes you. That's what I believe. Life is trial an error...is it not? I just feel with my experience (what little or more I may have) and what I have been accustomed too, that if it was something bad I'd get that feeling I always do, but seriously I just dont believe I'm really that naive. As much as I want to be hopeful and optimistic, I'm also a realist. People who know me, know that I don't deal well with the sugar coated lies and that I can base a valid decision on the truth. Yea, the truth sucks. I ask nothing less but the truth. But when I make my decision off the truth I know and can admit if it's a bad one, because it's based off of truth whether it's a good choice or bad choice. Even soo, I believe with everyone and their life choices I'm the least judgy person and I try my hardest to be there.

Time

I couldn’t help but wonder how time works exactly. It’s with us where ever you go. It can haunt you, it can make you eager to look forward, it can feel as if all time has stopped, it can make you feel early or late, sad or happy. Time and emotions, can be a tragic game. You know that moment where everything is just so blissful and delightful and everything seems so right and perfect you wish you could just freeze frame the entire events? And then there’s the moments when awful things happen to you like when you care about someone so much and you loose them or big tragic events that it simply feels like time has suddenly gone into slow motion and everyone around you is moving at lightening speed? I’m pretty sure you do know what I’m talking about and if you don’t I’m sorry for being far to philosophical....eh...no I’m not. I just remember certain moments in my life where I wish all time would stop and I could keep that moment forever. Just hold on to it for dear life. I guess that’s why they are called memories. You hold them dear to your heart. Then there are the times where awful things happened and all I could reflect on where going back. Back to the beginning. Where everything was okay and blissful and analyzing the hell out of it to see just which way it turned wrong or just so I could relive them blissful moments.

I guess that helps us learn from the bad and be grateful for the good. But it also teaches us just how much we take for granted every day. When I lost someone recently I cared a great deal about I couldn’t help but to constantly look to the beginning over and over again. Every memory, every moment, every conversation, and the laughs the sad times and it felt all so real. Like it was all still there, you just dwell on them. Remember that slow motion thing I said earlier, yeah, this is where it starts. Everything is still moving forward and your stuck in the past, reliving pieces of your past, while time, time is still making the future. There’s a point for all of us where we have all been stuck there and then there are also the moments where we are all ready to come out of slow motion and return to real time and try and look happily into the future. I find that life is what you make it. You can either be in real time, or live in the past. You can’t predict the future. You can only hope you have gained and learned and continue to learn and seek good things and hope the future is brighter one. I am an optimist. People claim that people can’t change. Someone used to constantly try and tell me that. I never once believed it. As I look into the past and to the present of what they said I can see just how full of shit that foolish statement really is. I know how down and out feels and I tend to hang out once in awhile in the slow motion aspect of time, but god I love those moments where I pick myself up and come back to real time.

...all I know is I’m an OPTIMIST.

Critical thinking

I never once thought that it would be easy going through life and its experiances. Well maybe I did at one time. Probably when I was eight. I say this because people every day look around them and see other people and think how wonderful it must be to be them and yet they have no idea what their battles are. It amazes me how critical the human mind really is. We look around at other people from the outside and go "look how happy, or look how easy there relationship looks, or look at how sucessful they are" and we literally have no clue what there own personal struggles are. I think it can help drives us or can break us. If you remove yourself from your surrounds and just listen and look without any real information you might say that indeed they have it all. But really we all have our own struggles and battles we all deal with daily. I listen to my close friends complain about the same things I complain about and its just odd to me hearing some of what is said. I had to take a step back and listen for example, I have a friend who I think is amazing. She is in my opinion quite pretty. I look at her and go "wow, wish i could look like that" and yet as she continues on with her own insecurities as i do with mine, and I begin to realize she has her own hidden battles she deals with. I often wonder the mens point of view on their own hidden battles. I feel ashamed to say that us girls have so much pressure on us to be a certain way, look a certain way , or even think a certain way. Its hard. Do guys have as many insecurities as we do? Do they think... "holy shit, i gotta wax my brows, get my hair done, shave my legs, do i have an ingrown hair? Oh my god, I gotta get to the gym, Im so fat I have to lose weight, do i have cellulite?" I mean thats just some of what goes on in our heads, can you imagine what we are thinking when it comes to life and careers? I don't doubt men have insecurites, but maybe looking outside it looks so easy. I just try to ground myself and accept that life has flaws at every turn. I try to not beat myself up over things, im not going to lie its hard, but even the Christain Dior models have insecurites right? :)